It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Great Halloween Pranks for Young and Old

Well, it's Halloween again and that means that children and even adults everywhere in The U.S. of A. are preparing to dress up in spooky costumes and take to the streets in order to throw eggs at as many houses as possible. Yes, the stench of rotten eggs will be all over suburbia tomorrow morning.

However, this tired, stale, and pungent ritual need not be the extent of your Halloween festivities. There are other, more original pranks you can stage on this most ghoulish of holidays. The following are some of my favorites, from my upcoming book Earl Fando's 1001 Halloween Pranks that Any Idiot Would Love. Now if only Doubleday will return my calls.

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Earl Fando's 1001 Halloween Pranks that Any Idiot Would Love
(Excerpts)

Herbie Goes Househopping - Items needed: 1 VW replica of Herbie, the Love Bug, 1 long haired red female wig, (Variation: 1 Dean Jones mask) 1 large catapult, 1 can mace.

Simply put on the wig and do your best Lindsay Lohan impersonation. Then hop into the VW, drive onto the catapult, and away you go! Won't your neighbors be thrilled to see Herbie soaring onto their roofs and into their attics. Use the mace to make your escape and then watch the entertainment papers the next day for news of Lindsay's latest romp!

Sulu's Big Fake Out - Items needed: 1 Star Trek, the Original Series Command Uniform, 1 black wig with grey streaks, 1 attractive woman willing to snog with you for protracted periods of time.

Pull a fast one on neighbors with this satirical gag. Simply put on the uniform and wig, and then take a seat on a local park bench with your lovely partner and wait for people to pass by. Then commence the make-out sessions, occasionally coming up for air to proclaim that you used to play Lt. Sulu in Star Trek. Heads will turn, I tell you. Bonus points for responding to every comment of "Didn't he just come out?" with "Loading photon torpedos, Captain!" and carrying your lovely partner off into the nearest wooded area.

Osama on a Stick - Items needed: One Osama Bin Laden mask, several small pumpkins, one long and sturdy pole.

Take the Osama mask and put it on one of the pumpkins. Then carve a hole in the bottom of the pumpkin and insert one end of the pole. The next step is a bit risky, but potentially spectacular. Simply go up to windows and hold the pole up to create the illusion that Osama is peeking in someone's window. Be sure and choose homes with NRA stickers on them. That way you get the thrilling response of gunfire and shouts of "I got him Maude! I blew his head clean up!!" Then replace pumpkin and repeat at the next house. Works especially well in rural neighborhoods, but be sure to keep your head down. The feel good prank of the year.

Who Wants to Be a Supreme Court Justice? - Items needed: 1 President George W. Bush mask, 1 judge's robe. Dick Cheney.

Put on the mask and go door to door with the brooding but charming Vice President. Whenever someone answers, tell them you and Cheney are out vetting potential justices, just in case the latest nominee doesn't work out. Have Cheney hold up the robe in front of them "to see how it looks." Bonus points if you can get someone to put the robe on and recite the Ninth Amendment verbatim.

Win the War of the Worlds - Items needed: 1 Martian costume with exploding cranium (not Marvin the Martian from Warner Bros.), 1 jar of sauerkraut, 1 bottle of green salsa, 1 death ray.

Mix the sauerkraut and salsa. Insert the mixture in the hollowed out cranium of the costume. Put on the costume and then go door to door. When someone answers, tell them that you are taking over the world and demand "all the women in the house." When they talk to you to respond, scream, "That voice! No!!!" and hold your fake cranium. Explode the contents of the cranium ala Tim Burton's Mars Attacks into the face of your victim. Run like hell.

Alternate version: If Slim Whitman answers the door, use the death ray. After all, it's him or you, and you don't want your real brain to explode.

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