That's Sasquatch to you Bub!

I just received the following singing telegram from a Mr. B. Sasquatch, 31 Evergreen Ln., Yukon Territory, Canada. I guess he didn't have e-mail access up there.

Since it was a singing telegram and my shorthand is about as efficient as my Korean, which is to say nonexistent, I'm not sure I'll be able to remember it word for word. this is my best shot below.

I wasn't quite able to place the tune but I believe it was either "Clang, Clang, Clang Went the Trolley", "Volare'", or possible Ashley Simpson's "You Make Me want to [Grunt]". I'm sticking with the last one, given that this is Bigfoot we're talking about, after all.

**********

"Dear people at the DOUI
I want to correct the Weekly World News lies
I do not drive for NASCAR on the weekend.
The helmets hurt my head and give me split ends.
Instead, because I'm a primitive old ape-like fuddy-duddy,
I drive a Hummer in the woods with all of my old buddies.
The Abominable Snowman brings the Moosehead.
Nessie's too slimy for the front so she camps in the rear instead.
Chewbacca's a movie star, so he gets to ride shotgun.
But then he bores us with stories of his affair with Carrie Fisher, of the hair buns.
So we dump him on the road, and run him over with the Hummer.
They'll find his lanky, hairy carcass in the summer.
As for you and the Weekly World News, I recommend you get your story straight
Or I'll have you all for breakfast with my usual V8.

Threateningly,
B. Sasquatch, Major, Royal Mounted Police

P.S. Congratulations to my old friend Zimpter on the birth of his first child!"

I would just like to take a moment to point out that this is all Stew's fault.