Where the Heck Have I Been?

...Working, mainly. I have been tweeting when I can, which is more infrequently than usual. I have decided to regale you with some of my recent tweets, as I'm still working on some other bits for DoUI. Rather than pick them myself though, I thought I'd let the good people of Twitter make the choice (and not just because I'm lazy, you cynics).

So, here are some of my most recent tweets to get re-tweeted. I hope you get as much fleeting amusement as the kind people who re-tweeted them.

• I lost my job as a snake handler. They said I didn't know a rattlesnake from my asp. #repundancy
• Redundancy Man - He automatically acquires the superpower of a hero who just completed a job. #LameSuperHeroes
• Potluck Be a Lady, Tonight #ZombieSongs 
• I Beret the Living #Frenchmovies
• Ronald McDonald? If we're going to target fast food icons, couldn't we start with the perverted Burger King first? #foodpolicesuck
• Star Wars V: The Empire Surrenders #Frenchmovies #onlykiddingFrance!
• Dude, Where's My Peugeot? #Frenchmovies
• Dear @CDCemergency In your helpful post on prepping for a #zombie apocalypse, you left out a key item: Shotguns. Lots and lots of shotguns.
• Charlie and the Tranya Factory #KidsStarTrekBooks
• The reason Donald Duck is trending? You get attention when you don't wear pants. #badattention
• Now that Donald Trump is out of the race, the mantle for worst hair in the running moves to Gary Johnson. Carry it well, Gary!
• Donald Trump is not running for president. He didn't feel he could stand overseeing another bankruptcy.
• It amazes me how many non-theists will latch on to Stephen Hawking's atheist statements but have nothing to say about his info loss paradox.
• "Beep beep ring, beep, whistle, beep, pants" #replaceawordinastarwarslinewithpants
• It's #starwarsday so you can expect to see an 800% increase in "light sabre" euphemisms on Twitter, today.
• Everything Blows Up When I Drive My Car #nicolascagemovieideas 

Tweet This!

Some discussion/hashtag suggestions for Twitter Twits this week. Discuss!:

• #whatwentwrongthishalloween
• #badhalloweencostume
• #zombiesIhaveknown
• #badhalloweencandy
• #worldseriesbigfootconspiracy
• #whatelsetasteslikechicken
• #whosanaughtydog
• #worstfoodstofry
• #worstbodypartstofry
• #whatfrankensteinsmonstersaid
• #worstpumpkinrecipes
• #badplacestowearflypaper
• #worstvictimsforvampires
• #worsthalloweenprank
• #trendsthatareadaylate
• #whatwakesmeup (Please skip the "Folgers in my cup" posts.)
• #mypantsaretoobigforme
• #besthypnosispranks
• #worst2personcostume
• #badhalloweenparty

The Twitter Lowdown

I'm trying to finish a rather long post regarding an experience in Boston this summer. It's quite taxing, so in the meantime, here are a few recent less-taxing tweets to occupy you. Cheers.

• Rick-Roll-Bot #badrobotnames
• Phlegmbots #badrobotnames
• The Emasculator 9000 #badrobotnames
• There are Snuggies for pets now. This is just in case you haven't humiliated them enough with the little knit sweaters.
• One thing Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons have taught me: Ducks are even lower on the social scale than rodents.
• Watched @Lileks video on flu avoidance hygeine. http://bit.ly/ntAWW Later spent 40 minutes trying to get out of a public lavatory.
• Wondering if NBC is interested in a weekend variety series. - Jay Leno #celebrityflashforward
• My acting coach is getting treated for depression, again. I did not hit her. I did not. - Tommy Wiseau. #celebrityflashforward
• I am wearing a strange white infidel jacket that ties in the back. - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad #celebrityflashforward
• Walking past the dog pound and pet stores at night, getting cold sweats. - Michael Vick #celebrityflashforward
• I'm eating the biggest damn pizza you've ever seen and Steadman's crying, again! - Oprah Winfrey #celebrityflashforward
• The worst possible situation to be in during a "flash forward": Skydiver.
• The Qaddafi speech reportedly started late because the UN couldn't find someone to translate "Weasel."
• I just realised "The Rake's Progress" wasn't about getting leaves off of your lawn.
• Most popular green job? Leprechaun impersonator.

The Tweatise of a Tweeting Twit

I'm enjoying Twitter, despite my inability to stay above the 120 mark on followers. However, I hate for all that writing to be wasted, given that tweets have the life expectancy of a cigarette in a 10-pin bowling alley. Also, it's been tough getting posts done here. So, for your entertainment, consideration, or opprobrium, here is a sample of the kind of crap you'd find following @earlfando:

• #rockfacts Bob Dylan's real name? Platypus Oxnard.
  
• #musicfacts Earth, Wind & Fire got their name from members of the band lighting farts at a gardening party.
  
• #musicfacts Paul Simon is 6'4" He only looks tiny because Art Garfunkel is over 9 feet tall.
  
• Humorists of all ages, take heart. "Wind" has just trended on Twitter. To be followed by beans. Usually, wind follows beans, but...
  
• #youfromSC if the highest you've ever flown was crossing the Charleston bridge on North 17.
  
• The Longest Solar Eclipse of the Century! (little voice from Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "It's only a shadow.")
  
• #whatsmattdamondoing Building a box girder bridge out of frankfurters.
  
• #whatsmattdamondoing Dancing with kangaroos and getting the crap kicked out of him.
  
• #whatsmattdamondoing Building the biggest damn sandwich you've ever seen.
  
• #whatsmattdamondoing Approving titles for the next Bourne film. Leading candidate: The Bourne Hip Replacement.
  
• Men walked on the moon forty years ago today. And some women say we couldn't find our ass with both hands AND a map. That'll show 'em.
  
• Tom Watson isn't simply turning back the clock at this year's Open. He's pulled it off the wall and is stomping on it in soft spikes.
  
• Watched a TV Guide preview of the new Harry Potter film last night. Conclusion: TV Guide presenters are huge suck ups.
  
• I just took the What Kind of Music Are You quiz and got Avant-Garde Elevator music. It's like the programmer was in my head.
  
• If the Earth started to plunge into the Sun, Michael Jackson would still be trending, just ahead of "doomed," "fire," and "unbearable heat."
  
• Happy Bastille Day! Eat a pound of brie and surrender to someone you love!
  
• #HarryPottersequels Harry Potter and the Enormous Bowl of Curry
  
• Memo to OJ: Chuck Norris can actually find the real killers.
  
• It's only a matter of time before the Michael Jackson sightings start... in a convertable with Elvis and Andy Kaufman, drinking New Coke.
  

The Next Big Trending Twitter Topic

Those of you who tweet are probably aware of the Trending Topics section of Twitter, where the latest popular or timely topics are catalouged for easy access. One phenomenon of this section is the occasional appearance of some topic designed to allow twits (or tweeters, if you must) to dash off jokes. (The RiffTrax lads and Lileks are especially fond of this, and quite good at it.)

Every once in awhile you'll get a really clever subject to riff on. However, more commonly the subjects are lowest common denominator, populist stuff like #3wordsaftersex or #liesgirlstell.* Consequently, the quality of the responses is... let's say "mixed." One topic, "#3breakupwords, " elicited the following response from one twit: &@$% you &%@&#! (Count the letters and use your imagination. It won't take long to figure out.) The bulk of responses are mildly wittier.

So, for the benefit of the more erudite, not to mention civil twits out there, I plan to push the some trending topics of my own over the next few days. After all, I have upwards of thirty followers now, not all of them automated. I should be able to get some momentum, right? Join in and ride the feel-good wave of the following topics.

The Next Big Trending Topics:

• #sasquatchpickuplines
• #thingsifoundinmytoes
• #3rhymingwords
• #crapdognames (and not "#dogcrapnames")
• #crappoliticalslogans
• #5lastwords
• #crapiambicpentameter
• #tarzanpickuplines
• #crapmenuitems
• #sqirrelsihaveknown
• #unlikelynessiehidingplaces
• #crapsandwichcombos
• #crapfootballnicknames
• #wherearemysocks
• #craporchestranames
• #worstpickledfood
• #terminatorpickuplines

*The pound/hash sign has some Twitter significance, though I have no idea what it could mean. I've considered posting a tweet that reads "##" but have refrained for fear of bringing down the whole system.

Earl Fando is now an official Twit!

I just signed up for Twitter, at last. You can follow me @earlfando.

I have nil on my following list right now. So, all is going according to expectations. Still, surprise me.

For those of you who misread the headline, my apologies for the shock.

**********
Update: I now have two followers. Thanks to houseepisodes and slamidol for kindly boosting the ole' ego. Now, 50,000 more and we can start talking to agents...

Also, apologies for the slow loads. I really must speak to Nuffy about spacing the cartoons with actual written work...