The Tweatise of a Tweeting Twit

I'm enjoying Twitter, despite my inability to stay above the 120 mark on followers. However, I hate for all that writing to be wasted, given that tweets have the life expectancy of a cigarette in a 10-pin bowling alley. Also, it's been tough getting posts done here. So, for your entertainment, consideration, or opprobrium, here is a sample of the kind of crap you'd find following @earlfando:

• #rockfacts Bob Dylan's real name? Platypus Oxnard.
  
• #musicfacts Earth, Wind & Fire got their name from members of the band lighting farts at a gardening party.
  
• #musicfacts Paul Simon is 6'4" He only looks tiny because Art Garfunkel is over 9 feet tall.
  
• Humorists of all ages, take heart. "Wind" has just trended on Twitter. To be followed by beans. Usually, wind follows beans, but...
  
• #youfromSC if the highest you've ever flown was crossing the Charleston bridge on North 17.
  
• The Longest Solar Eclipse of the Century! (little voice from Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "It's only a shadow.")
  
• #whatsmattdamondoing Building a box girder bridge out of frankfurters.
  
• #whatsmattdamondoing Dancing with kangaroos and getting the crap kicked out of him.
  
• #whatsmattdamondoing Building the biggest damn sandwich you've ever seen.
  
• #whatsmattdamondoing Approving titles for the next Bourne film. Leading candidate: The Bourne Hip Replacement.
  
• Men walked on the moon forty years ago today. And some women say we couldn't find our ass with both hands AND a map. That'll show 'em.
  
• Tom Watson isn't simply turning back the clock at this year's Open. He's pulled it off the wall and is stomping on it in soft spikes.
  
• Watched a TV Guide preview of the new Harry Potter film last night. Conclusion: TV Guide presenters are huge suck ups.
  
• I just took the What Kind of Music Are You quiz and got Avant-Garde Elevator music. It's like the programmer was in my head.
  
• If the Earth started to plunge into the Sun, Michael Jackson would still be trending, just ahead of "doomed," "fire," and "unbearable heat."
  
• Happy Bastille Day! Eat a pound of brie and surrender to someone you love!
  
• #HarryPottersequels Harry Potter and the Enormous Bowl of Curry
  
• Memo to OJ: Chuck Norris can actually find the real killers.
  
• It's only a matter of time before the Michael Jackson sightings start... in a convertable with Elvis and Andy Kaufman, drinking New Coke.
  

The Next Big Trending Twitter Topic

Those of you who tweet are probably aware of the Trending Topics section of Twitter, where the latest popular or timely topics are catalouged for easy access. One phenomenon of this section is the occasional appearance of some topic designed to allow twits (or tweeters, if you must) to dash off jokes. (The RiffTrax lads and Lileks are especially fond of this, and quite good at it.)

Every once in awhile you'll get a really clever subject to riff on. However, more commonly the subjects are lowest common denominator, populist stuff like #3wordsaftersex or #liesgirlstell.* Consequently, the quality of the responses is... let's say "mixed." One topic, "#3breakupwords, " elicited the following response from one twit: &@$% you &%@&#! (Count the letters and use your imagination. It won't take long to figure out.) The bulk of responses are mildly wittier.

So, for the benefit of the more erudite, not to mention civil twits out there, I plan to push the some trending topics of my own over the next few days. After all, I have upwards of thirty followers now, not all of them automated. I should be able to get some momentum, right? Join in and ride the feel-good wave of the following topics.

The Next Big Trending Topics:

• #sasquatchpickuplines
• #thingsifoundinmytoes
• #3rhymingwords
• #crapdognames (and not "#dogcrapnames")
• #crappoliticalslogans
• #5lastwords
• #crapiambicpentameter
• #tarzanpickuplines
• #crapmenuitems
• #sqirrelsihaveknown
• #unlikelynessiehidingplaces
• #crapsandwichcombos
• #crapfootballnicknames
• #wherearemysocks
• #craporchestranames
• #worstpickledfood
• #terminatorpickuplines

*The pound/hash sign has some Twitter significance, though I have no idea what it could mean. I've considered posting a tweet that reads "##" but have refrained for fear of bringing down the whole system.

Twittering Away about Crappy Pub Names

So, as I mentioned before, I'm an official twit now. (Those so inclined can follow me @earlfando.)

Twitter has a section called featured topics and one of the communal activities among my fellow twits* is to repeatedly tweet about one of these topics. One of the big ones today is #crapnamesforpubs. I'm not sure what the # sign is for. Maybe Fred Flintstone-style cursing?

Anyway, this sort of thing is right up my street and I dashed off a few suggestions, which are reprinted below.

• Ye Olde Soiled Knickers
• The Lark's Vomit (yes, I was thinking of the Crunchy Frog sketch)
• Benji's Hideaway
• Ashton and Demi's Billiards Wondereland (sic)
• The Rotten Frankfurter
• Ye Olde Shallow Grave

And, just for the halibut, here are several more I didn't have time to send. I may tweet a few of these, as the topic is still active.

• Peel Out Brews
• Gum on the Bottom of Your Shoe
• Ye Olde Saucy Grandma
• The Stinking Corpse Flower
• Oprah's On!
• The Gingivitis
• Ye Olde Raging Herpes
• Cantilevered Ball Bearings
• Lower the Tungsten Orb (I must admit, this is an oldy Stew or Linus came up with. It was very briefly considered as a name for this blog. Come to think of it, I'd go to a pub with that name...)
• The Gimpy Centipede
• Slabs of Sweetbreads
• Katie Couric's House of Pain
• Kumquats Galore!
• No Alcohol Served Here

* I use the term with great affection.

Earl Fando is now an official Twit!

I just signed up for Twitter, at last. You can follow me @earlfando.

I have nil on my following list right now. So, all is going according to expectations. Still, surprise me.

For those of you who misread the headline, my apologies for the shock.

**********
Update: I now have two followers. Thanks to houseepisodes and slamidol for kindly boosting the ole' ego. Now, 50,000 more and we can start talking to agents...

Also, apologies for the slow loads. I really must speak to Nuffy about spacing the cartoons with actual written work...