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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Government 101

Have you read a transcript from the House of Representatives lately? I don't know if I can recognize who they are representing anymore. Here is a copy of the transcript.

109th Congress 1st Session

12:30 P.M.

Today’s prayer is offered by House Chaplain, Rev. Skippy “Zoosteria” Leonard.

“Let us pray His/Her/Its blessing on our meeting today. O potentially Supreme Being, thank you for blessing us with the funding to meet here today. In your infinite wisdom and mercy please don’t strike us down for what we do and say here because as you have told us, what’s said in Washington, stays in Washington. Amen and au-men.”

He is raised into the rafters by an elaborate deus ex machina.

12:34 P.M.

The Speaker: “Now recite with me the Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under (inaudible), with liberty and justice for all.”

Speaker: “The House is now in session. Light’em up boys.” The congressmen, both men and women, pull out big stogies and light them up. The caviar, toast wedges, and champagne are brought into the chamber to the tune of “Happy Days are Here Again”.

Speaker: “Now to the important stuff, our pork barrel spending projects. I call on the Honorable Eustice T. Beauregard from the great state of Alabama.”

12:45 P.M.

Rep. Beauregard: “Mr. Speakah, Au am proud to represent the great state of Alabama. Our nations system of roadways is the backbone of our country. We have a proud heritage of building and maintaining this linkage of commerce within the borders of our wundaful nation. From the earliest trails to the latest interstate highway systems we have a great responsibility to maintain and improve this system. With that in mind, I hereby request funding for the Eustice T. Beauregard Highway that will run from my house to the Cracker Barrel restaurant at a small cost of $15 million.”

Speaker: “Thank you Representative Beauregard, I think we can attach that to H.R. 205 the bill to send 100 metric tons of rib tips to Russia. All in favor.”

Harumph Harumph Harumph

“now we're doin' some legislatin', all opposed”

Rep. Sluggo: “Mr. Speaker, with all due respect to the honorable gentleman from Alabama, this is a travesty. That appropriation would be better made under H.R. 208, the bill to provide funding for the stacking of small objects onto larger ones.”

Speaker: “I admire your tenacity Representative Sluggo in looking out for your constituency. All in favor of doing the other thing.”

Harumph Harumph Harumph

“all opp…oh the hell with it. Resolution passed.”

12:51 P.M.

Speaker: “Ladies and gentlemen. That wore me out. House is adjourned until tomorrow. Anyone for drinks?”

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