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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Haute Cuisine!!! (Um...no carrots for me please.)

Excerpts from the Lost Iron Chef - March 27, 1998 - Carrot Battle:

Opening -

(Chairman Kaga takes a bite from a pepper and nearly breaks out laughing for the 500th time. This time though he slips and falls into a large bowl of custard. He stands up and folds his arms attempting to look dignified, but slips and falls down the stairs, landing in Kitchen Arena, inside a large pastry oven. His frill catches on fire immediately.)

The Challenger -

Narrator: All the way from Brussles, Pierre LeBouf is a Belgian Chef from the well known restaurant La Facture Du Canard who specializes in French-Asian fusion cooking. His fascination with the creative use of waterfowl heads in classic French and Japanese dishes has not only won La Facture a Michelin star, but also attracted celebrities worldwide to sample his cranial crossover creations.

Chairman Kaga: Which of my legendary Iron Chefs will you do battle with?

Pierre LeBouf: (Dramatic pause lasting a full 90 seconds) Iron Chef Chen Kenichi!

(Loud Music. A rapid series of zooms and close-ups of Chen Kenichi and Pierre LeBouf. Stock pictues of Chen in his restaurant, holding a cleaver, frying an egg, walking his dog, and at the summit of Mount Everest on a skateboard. Chen begins to sweat profusely from the moment his name is called. Cut to logo with that loud, obnoxious, electronic swishing sound. Commercial for Ken-L Ration Dog Food.)

The Mystery Ingredient -

Chairman Kaga: Today's ingredient? I thought long and hard about two chefs who love poultry, the sea, and creative work with meat, and I think I've hit upon the perfect ingredient...(Pulls off cloth flamboyantly) (ed. note- the cloth covering the food you perverts!) Carrots!!!

Pierre LeBouf: Damn! I was hoping for albatross skulls!

Kitchen Stadium -

Floor Reporter: Cuey-san! Chef LeBouf has gone to his secret weapon! He's adding caviar to the carrots.

Dr. Yamagata, Food expert: Ah, yes caviar, a daring, yet familiar choice. I expect he'll add truffles next, and then, just maybe, more caviar!

Michiko Yamusaga, 20 year old Japanese actress: Mmmmm, that sounds like it will be really tasty...but it'll go straight to my thighs!!! (Mugs in a cute girlish, yet suggestive way and then giggles for 5 minutes and makes goo-goo eyes at Chairman Kaga.)

Floor Reporter: Iron Chef Chen is really sweating down here! These dishes are going to be extra juicy!

The Dishes -

(Cue Backdraft music)

Narrator: Chef LeBouf has produced four dishes. He begins with carrot compote on a bed of Radicchio and Romaine, garnished with a seagull beak. His second course is a luxurious carrot and onion soup, lovingly laced with balsamic vinegar and shavings of pelican cranium. His main course is stewed carrots in caviar, truffles, and penguin necks, a daring modern interpretation of a classic attempt to throw together really expensive delicacies that will get the judges attention and support. Finally, his carrot sorbet is designed to be eaten with a spoon made from the bill of a Northern Gannet, a sweet, yet moderately disturbing cleansing of the palate to finish the meal.

Iron Chef Chen Kenichi has countered with five dishes, all of which are the usual crap, only with carrots.

The Tasting -

Narrator: And now the chefs will present their dishes to our esteemed panel -

Actress Michiko Yamusaga, known for her portrayal of innocent yet tawdry women of a very young, yet adult age, and also her award winning performance as a chair in the film Hai!
Food Critic Michibu Kamasuko-Watanabe, who writes for Bonzai! magazine,
Humorist Earl Fando, an unknown English-speaking writer of undeterminate origin,
and of course Dr. Yamagata Mizoguchi, the well-known food expert, chef, and lay-about.

(Excerpted Comments)

Michibu: The sweetness of the carrots really contrasts with the saltiness of the waterfowl parts.

Michiko: I feel so happy to be eating this really neat meal (Giggles profusely) Oooohh! This tastes just like a carrot! What a genius you are Chef LeBouf/Kenichi/Whoever! (Stares at ceiling for 2 hours occasionally stopping to wiggle in her seat.)

Dr. Yamagata: Normally I don't get to participate in the tasting, but David Hasselhoff backed out at the last minute, so if you'll pardon me, I'm a bit bitter at being considered a second-rate, backup. I've written numerous books, hosted television shows of my own, own forty restaurants, but do I get to do the tasting on a regular basis?? (Makes obscene gesture at Chairman Kaga, who laughs and makes a slashing gesture across his throat.) The sorbet, however, is outstanding.

Earl Fando: Well, I hate to mention this, seeing as Kag-y, my old school chum, was good enough to have me on the programme, but I do, in fact, loathe carrots. So, if you don't mind, and nothing personal meant by it, I have to honestly say that this entire meal, well... sucks.

Judgement -

Chairman Kaga: It was a really close battle by two determined, obsessive, and desperate-for-publicity chefs. Now though, we will see if Belgian carrot creativity is superior to the samurai stylings of an Iron Chef.

Narrator: (Long blather summarizing the events of the show up until the present, with a slight diversion regarding soy-based bran, leading up to... ) Whose cuisine will reign supreme?!?

Chairman Kaga: Iron Chef Chen Kenichi!!! (Audience gasps in mock surprise.)

(Chen weeps and perspires profusely. LeBouf smiles weakly and grinds his knuckles into a nearby cheese grater...Cut to more Backdraft music, the really grandiose part, and CREDITS.)


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