Bond to open Olympic Games

Queen Elizabeth II, Her Most Royal and Serene Highness, Queen of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland, Empress of the Commonwealth, and Lord High Mayor of Reigate and Banstead has completely flipped her crown.

She's asked James Bond to open the Olympics.

No word on how Olympic organizers will deal with the expected casualties.

The details remain to be worked out, but Bond is expected to ride into the Opening Ceremonies in an invisible Aston Martin, dropped by parachute from an flaming cargo plane that was launched from an exploding aircraft carrier. Bond hasn't made any public comments on the plans, being a double secret agent and such. However, rumors from MI6 are that he finds them "pedestrian."

The London Olympic Committee has sweetened the pot by offering to include 10,000 nude women, wielding giant novelty revolvers, and slow dancing to Madonna covers of "Goldfinger." Also, they've promised Bond a private suite at the Savoy with a plentiful supply of vodka martinis, beluga caviar, Mouton Rothschild, and all the Aero bars he can eat.

It should be an epic Opening Ceremonies.