It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Watch Where You Toss That Garter Your Highness!

The Royal Wedding of His Most Royal Highness, William, Prince of Wales, Viceroy of Something or Other, Earl of Fando (no, wait, that one is me), etcetera, etcetera... and good ole' Kate Middleton is this Friday. As I write this, thousands of British civil servants are busily preparing for the mammoth nuptials, and the cast of this season's Bridezillas are locked in their dressing rooms, fuming at how easily they have been upstaged.

Officials predict that over 600,000 people will visit Britain to see the wedding, and that's not including stalkers and paparazzi.* Estimates of the cost of royal wedding range between $30 million and a bajillion-jillion U.S. (that's only a bajillion Pound Sterling, however). There will be 40,000 flowers (necessitating entire double-decker busloads of Scots Guard-drilled flower girls), 187 groomed horses (the ungroomed ones will be holding down the fort at Buckingham Palace), and 100 million pints of beer (and that's just Prince Harry's allotment).

Over 2 billion people are expected to tune in to the wedding, listening to breathless royal watchers say things like:

  • "Insiders say that Her Royal Highness the Queen is very, very, very, very, very, very, very proud."
  • "Harry and Kate have told me - through a close and dear mutual friend - that the honeymoon location is a complete secret."
  • "Kate's dress is a specially created Libelula gown by designer Sophie Cranston. The dress is an original worth more money than Vera Wang and Oscar de la Renta will ever earn in their entire lifetimes."
  • "I would gladly lick the boots of the royal couple until my tongue were blistered and ...oh, wait, is my mic live?"
It's a massive event, to be sure.Many of you attending the royal wedding are likely to be nervous and excited for the couple. And of course, some of you (Mr. Atkinson, friend of the groom, I'm looking at you) are notorious pranksters and farceurs. To avoid spoiling the royal day, here are some things to avoid:


During the ceremony:

  • No Wedding Crashers. If Vince Vaughan and Owen Wilson can't get into this one, neither can you.
  • Do not arrive in one of those "tuxedo" t-shirts. Not only will you not be granted omission, you will be beaten up by English Rugby players who are friends of the groom.
  • Do not comment on how funny the Archbishop's hat is.
  • Don't say out loud, "How can anyone see anything from over there?" in reference to the shape of the nave. You're missing the point. They're over there for a reason.
  • If the officiant says the linen, "Be there any here who object to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace," be sure to hold your peace. HRH Elizabeth has given strict instructions to use the royal mace on anyone who opens their pie hole to respond to that.
  • If the bride flings the bouquet, do not dive in front of HRH the Queen to catch it. Kate is probably just tricking you into making yourself a target for security.
  • No "Lay that pipe!" comments or any other lines from Tom  Hanks' Bachelor Party. "Bangers" jokes are right out.
  • Do not attempt, at any time, to hide under the bride's train.
  • Anyone attempting to recreate the final scene of The Graduate will be shot.

During the recessional parade:

  • Flash photography is acceptable. Flashing the royal couple is punishable by drawing and quartering. (Think the last scenes in Braveheart)
  • No drunken brawls. This is no place for hooligans. If there's to be any drunken brawling, the royal family can manage it themselves, thank you very much.
  • Do not mock the royal wave. If you do, you may get the royal V-sign (and I'm not talking about the one for "Victory.") Plus, it's a bit like certain types of dancing. You may think you can do it, but you'll just end up looking silly on television.
  • If you're going to wear the Prince Charles novelty fake ears, at least wear them with a sense of decorum.
  • Do not try to start the wave in the crowd.
  • No pelting the royal couple with Silly String.
  • No Funky Chicken at any time.
  • Do not shout, "I give it six months, tops!"
 It's a big event and the couple seems like a sweet pair of kids. Here's to them and to a ginormous British party.

*What's the difference between stalkers and paparazzi? Paparazzi are paid professionals. Any old amateur can be a stalker.

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