It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Five Keyboarding Fingers of Death!

You too can learn Kung-Fu online!

Well, I actually haven't learned Kung-Fu online myself, but I am considering it now that the world's first online Kung-Fu school is in business. Soon, I will be dealing out thunderous punishment to obnoxious thugs with the devastating art of 7 Star Praying Mantis Kung Fu. And based on the sample video, I will be doing so to the raucous sounds of ear-splitting* rock music.

(Quick Quiz: What's the best style of music for practicing Kung-Fu? Answer: Thrash.)

I haven't decided what I'm going to do with my new found Kung-Fu prowess, once I obtain it. I'm torn between being the new Chuck Norris and getting one of those Hong Kong wire-fighting gigs. Since I can't grow a decent beard** or speak Cantonese, I may have to find an alternate solution.

I'm trying to avoid the more disconcerting questions about learning Kung-Fu online. For example, how do you learn how hard to strike human bones to make that cracking noise you hear in Bruce Lee films? Also, who am I going to practice that on? (I figure in regular Kung-Fu schools they hire people for that, the same way neurologists hire people for sleep studies and brain probing.)

Also, what kind of insurance guarantees come with the courses? I would like to avoid relying on my regular health insurance, should I lose concentration while walking on air or performing a flying spin move with a sword. In this latter case, I am of course referring to liability insurance.

Unfortunately, I can't start training right away, as I'm recovering from a bad ankle sprain*** and a pulled back muscle. Given that it's online Kung-Fu training, I'm hoping there are a lot of virtual exercises I can do from a reclining easy chair. Anything relating to breathing or leaning way back, I can easily handle right now.

One of the moves described on the Web-site is call the "Crushing Step." I'd like to learn that one, but only if it isn't a description of a violent, self-inflicted ankle sprain.

Also, I'm wondering if they do virtual sparring? I've always thought the word "Skype" sounds like an act of violence, like "shiv" or "shank." Now, I might get the chance to find out.

My only real concern is that if I convert my hands into steely weapons of death, I'm that much more likely to kill my computer while typing these posts.****

* Get it? Kung-Fu? Ear-splitting?
** Also, I don't look good in a cowboy hat.
*** It was in a soccer match, if you must know.
**** Bonus points for those of you who thought "If only!"

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2 Comments:

Anonymous MartialSkill said...

Funny stuff. Your sardonic writing kung fu is strong, grasshopper.

1/29/2012 6:00 pm  
Blogger Earl Fando said...

You are kind, oh skillful one. If only I could knock out five assailants with a 30-second bit on which liquor works best with Drunken Kung Fu. (I know some people argue it's Rolling Rock, but everyone knows that's just a training beer.)

2/14/2012 2:09 pm  

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