It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Academy Awards Nomination FAIL

I just want to vent a little bit about the continued failure of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. I know the nominations for this year's Academy Awards have been out for a long time now, and I've had plenty of time to get over it. But, goshdarnit, I'm not over it! The wrong movies were nominated, I tell's ya's! The King's Speech? Yawn! 127 Hours? Yeah, that's about how long the movie felt while watching it! Black Swan? More like Diarrhea on Celluloid! True Grit? More like True Sh--I can't even say it! The FCC is breathing down my neck.

"Well, who exactly do you think should've been nominated, Nuffy Noe?" you ask, left eyebrow cocked at a surly angle. I'll never understand why you ask questions when you already know the answer, but since you insist on feigning ignorance, I will discuss the matter one last time. Please take notes.

Of course, the sole nominee and guaranteed winner of the 83rd Annual Academy Awards should be.....(insert drum roll here)...Enthiran! That's right, the Kollywood masterpiece of pathos, romance, turgid events, music and robots! Enthiran put everything Hollywood has ever done to shame forever. I mean, just think about your hideous Rooster Cogburns, your stuttering potentates and your toenail-busting ballet creeps, and then compare them to this too-cool dude:



Oh, you haven't heard of this movie Enthiran? Seriously? I find that hard to believe. Of all the Kollywood films you've watched this year, you're gonna sit there and tell me that Enthiran somehow slipped under your radar? It's only the most expensive Tamil language film ever made! Get with the program, Northover!

Enthiran is the story of India's first sentient robot. He speaks stilted English intermingled with luscious Tamil. He dances, he sings, he gets a white skunk-stripe down the middle of his hair, he learns to love, he multiplies and turns into a 1) sphere, 2) snake, 3) drill, 4) giant robot made of tiny robots, and his name is Chitti. Seriously, does your puny Terminator hold a candle to my multi-robot snake Chitti? No, he does not. He is a Ziploc bag full of vomit, pepper, diarrhea and fail compared to my Chitti. Oh, my Chitti....hang on, I might be fainting....

Okay, I'm better. Snorted a pinch of chili powder and it perked me right up. I intend to keep talking about Enthiran forever. That's how much I want to nibble on the DVD when I think about it. If it doesn't win every single motion picture related award the universe has ever devised, I will go on a rampage through Bensonhurst with a tire iron, a bag of marbles and a mysterious hat.

THIS, people:


NOT this:
And THIS example of chaste womanly virtue:


Not THIS pile of nightmare:



It's about time Hollywood recognized movies about Tamil-speaking robots who learn to love, become jealous, replicate themselves, form into massive snake shapes and attack the Indian army. It's about time. If not this year, Academy, then when? WHEN?

With love,

Nuffy Noe

P.S. -- I leave you with a succulent morsel. You can thank me later.

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