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Sunday, February 06, 2011

The Mother of All Super Bowl Commercials

It's Super Bowl time again, and soon people will be huddled around their big screen, high-definition televisions, eagerly watching the dazzling footwork and skill of talented performers who are at the peak of their careers.

That's right, they'll be watching Super Bowl ads! Every year the big game plays second banana to the big-budget television commercials that pay the bills for the NFL and whatever network is covering the game. (Next year, I hear it's HGTV's turn - bet the field will look nice!) These commercials are sometimes entertaining, sometimes amusing, and frequently neither. However, they still manage to distract people from the most important part of the event, the Super Bowl halftime show.

Also, there is the game, of course.

Instead of constantly being distracted by the subtle ploys of market research, advertisers should just get together and come up with one commercial, a mega commercial, a commercial to end all commercials, a super Super Bowl commercial.

I wonder what that would be like...


[EXT. DAY. Mid morning. An open field in the prairie. Two laconic cowboys are leaning up against fence, watching two powerful looking groups of Budweiser horses run onto the field.]

COWBOY 1: Well, looks like the game's fixin' to start.

COWBOY 2: Yup.

[On the sidelines, a group of Victoria's Secret models, dressed in skimpy lingerie, are cheer-leading. The head cheerleader is Danica Patrick, completely naked except for a sandwich board that covers her front and back and reads "Who's Your Go Daddy?"]

COWBOY 1: Hot Cheerleaders.

COWBOY 2: Yup.

[The horses line up for the kickoff.  They rush forward as the ball flies into the air. Suddenly the football game is interrupted by cargo planes and parachuting Chick Fil-A cows. As the cows descend, they throw down backpacks that explode as they strike the ground. Thousands of Doritos fly out of the exploding backpacks.
Some of the Doritos hit the cowboys in the face.]

COWBOY 1: (Chewing on a Dorito) Chicken-flavored Doritos.

COWBOY 2: (Spitting out a mouthful of Doritos) Yup.

[The game resumes with one of the horses snapping the ball to Betty White, who is riding another horse. She quickly devours a Snickers bar and uses the energy to leap on to the back of a rushing stallion. She then ties a Bud Light to the football and throws it down field. Cedric the Entertainer is lackadaisically running a route down the sideline when he spies the Bud Light. He breaks into a remarkable sprint, diving for the catch, when suddenly he is knocked out of the way by a speeding Toyota Prius. On the back of the Prius, the Geico Gecko is in the middle of a light saber duel with Yoda from Star Wars.]

COWBOY 1: Didn't see that one comin'.

COWBOY 2: Nope.

[Back on the Prius, The Gecko and Yoda continue their duel, mixing back flips with insurance advice. Around them are several unnecessary explosions.]

YODA: Silly your commercials are! Nothing have I learned about insurance policies!

[Suddenly, The Most Interesting Man in the World jumps a motorcycle through three rings of fire. As he passes, the Geico Gecko back flips onto his motorcycle.]

GEICO GECKO: (Shouting) Have you forgotten about Geico's motorcycle insurance?

[The Old Spice Guy rides by on a souped up Segway, and Yoda jumps on. They pursue the motorcycle with the Most Interesting Man in the World and the Geico Gecko. In the background are several dinosaurs and a tornado.]

YODA: Nothing about rates you have said! Discounts I am interested in!

[Cut to The Progressive Insurance warehouse store. Flo, the insurance spokeswoman, is facing the camera and smiling.]

FLO: Are you a Jedi master? Discount! (Chime sound)

[Suddenly, the Burger King runs up, wearing nothing but Speedos and black socks. He stuffs Flo into a gunney sack and runs off with her.]

FLO: (Muffled from inside bag) Creepy kidnapper. Discount! (Muffled chime sound)

[Cut back to the cowboys.]

COWBOY 1: That was kinda surreal.

COWBOY 2: Yup.

[Cut back to the speeding motorcycle and Segway. The motorcycle crashes through a store display of Coke. The Segway smashes through a similar display of Pepsi. Both displays explode behind the speeding vehicles.]

MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD: (Sipping a Coke while driving the motorcycle) Now, when I'm not drinking beer, this is usually what I'm having!

YODA: (Sips a Pepsi) MMMMMMMM-MMM-MMM-MMM!!!!!!!! 

[Suddenly, a green Volkswagen Beetle drives by and the Gecko and Yoda back-flip on to it. A nuclear explosion is in the background.]

COWBOY 1: (Punching COWBOY 2 on the arm) Green one.

COWBOY 2: (Casually glancing at his arm)Yup.

[The Gecko and Yoda continue their battle when suddenly Yoda looks through the sun roof of the VW and realizes, to his horror, that the car is being driven by the "mayhem" guy from the Allstate commercials. The Mayhem guy looks up at Yoda and smiles a terrible smile. He is smoking a large cigar.]

YODA: In for it, we are!

ALLSTATE MAYHEM GUY: I'm your private driver, but what you don't know is that I'm also obsessed with Bigfoot.

[Cut to a shot of Bigfoot, sitting in the end zone, eating a bag of Jack's Links Beef Jerky.]

ALLSTATE MAYHEM GUY: So, when I see a Sasquatch sitting in the middle of an open field. I can't help but head right for him. (Switches gears and floors it)

GEICO GECKO: I've got a bad feeling about this.

[The car crashes into Bigfoot like he was a brick wall. The Gecko and Yoda are hurtled through the air to a hard landing on the ground. The VW Bug explodes. The football with the Bud Light lands in Yoda's hands.]

YODA: Down-touch made have I!

[Cut to Betty White kissing her bicep.]

[Cut to Danica Patrick peeling off her sandwich board covering, revealing a smaller sandwich board underneath that reads "To be continued online, suckers!"]

[Cut to the Chick-Fil-A cows, line dancing with the Budweiser horses.]

[Cut to The Most Interesting Man in the World, the Old Spice Guy, and Flo, sharing an elaborate cocktail with three straws. The Burger King is stuffed in a garbage can in the background.]

[Cut to William Shatner, against an obvious green screen background containing an image of shirtless football fans. Shatner is doing karate chops as the "Priceline Negotiator."]

[Cut to Yoda with the football and Bud Light, suddenly being tackled by an enraged Cedric the Entertainer. Cedric grabs the Bud Light, rips the cap off, and downs it.]

[Cut back to the cowboys, watching it all.]

COWBOY 1: Happens every year.

COWBOY 2: (Pause) I gotta go pee.

COWBOY 1: Better hurry. The commercial's almost over.

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