It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Sunday, July 01, 2012

Twitter Madness: May

Continuing my self-reflexive Twitter retrospective, here are some of my zanier tweets from May*:

  • 1 May - The Dark Knight Rises better not be a film about how long it takes Batman to get out of bed in the morning.
  • 1 May - Dude, Where's My Batmobile? #AlternateBatmanMovieTitles
  • 1 May - The White House says Bin Laden was thinking about a name change for al-Qaida. Unfortunately, "Oprah" was already taken.
  • 2 May - Always kept an iced cappuccino under his turban. #BinLadenrevelations
  • 2 May - I hope there's no illness in the Olympic Village this year. If there's one thing I hate, it's watching the Olympic phlegm go out.
  • 3 May - To the people who are mad at Pop Chips for an ad where Ashton Kutcher appears in brown face: You had me at "Ashton Kutcher."
  • 3 May - Levi Johnston announces that he wants to name his daughter after his favorite gun. Why would you saddle a kid with a name like "Nerf?"
  • 3 May - Harry Potter's OK and all, but face it, he'd get totally pwned in a fight with Samantha Stevens.
  • 3 May - Just once I wish George Lucas would go back and remaster American Graffiti with new digital effects, for a change.
  • 3 May - "You mess with the unicorn, you get the horn." #Candylandthreats
  • 4 May - How to tell it's #StarWarsDay: Instead of giving you the finger, the guy who cut you off in traffic tries to choke you with "the Force."
  • 7 May - Mondays are the Jar Jar Binks of the week.
  • 7 May - I worry about Siri sometimes. She does whatever guys want and they're touching her all the time.
  • 7 May - Just once, I'd like to see the Kentucky Derby as a race between the jockeys without the horses. And they'd have to use the whips.
  • 7 May - The primary weakness of jazz dance fighting: Getting kicked in the nuts during a straddle split leap.
  • 7 May - Jazz dance fighting only works if you have right music. To successfully ambush a jazz dance fighter, surprise him in an elevator.
  • 8 May - A guy in Nebraska changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex. That's like some guy changing his name to Max Johnson. Classic overcompensation.
  • 8 May - This is how it works: Unfamous people change their name to Tyrannosaurus Rex, whereas one day Nick Cage's son will change his name to Bob.
  • 9 May - Dude, Where's My Tsar? #RussianFilms
  • 10 May - Traveling to Orlando in June: Disney, Universal Studios, sweaty people violently jockeying in the queues. (I wish I didn't sweat so much.)
  • 10 May - I always like it when he's called THE Batman, as if there a host of cheap, lesser batmen running around.
  • 11 May - JP Morgan made a $2 billion trading blunder. Blames it on his brother, the Captain.
  • 11 May - JP Morgan report they have lost $2 billion on trading. However, insiders suggest Uncle Billy left it all on Mr. Potter's desk one morning.
  • 11 May - Having a Mother's Day special at Hooters is like having a Father's Day special at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
  • 14 May - You have more cats in your house than you do working lightbulbs. #SignsThatYoureLonely
  • 14 May - With a name like Bobby Flay, you'd think he'd be pretty good with a whip. #justsaying
  • 15 May - They say that Red Bull #GivesYouWings. I'll take two dozen, with hot sauce and blue cheese dressing on the side, please. 
  • 15 May - Tinker Bell insists on being called by her full name. This is a result of too many "Tinker? I hardly know her!" jokes.
  • 16 May - They're making ice cubes, and the ice cubes are on fire. #SignsAPersonCantCook 
  • 16 May - Whenever they reach for a box of Aunt Jemima, she screams in terror. #SignsAPersonCantCook
  • 18 May - The only downside to being an Irish travel agent is having to constantly explain that the Ring of Dingle isn't some sort of body piercing.
  • 18 May - Simon & Garfunkel used to be known as Tom & Jerry until the fateful day Art tried to kill Paul while he was snacking on a block of Gruyere.
  • 18 May - King Ghidarah's Lightning Bolt-Shooting Head and Another of King Ghidarah's Lightning Bolt-Shooting Heads #NamesForMyFists
  • 20 May - I wish River Monsters' Jeremy Wade would fish for Bigfoot, because he always catches what he's looking for, at the end of every episode.
  • 21 May - Kraft's says their new snack company "Mondelez" combines words for "world" and "delicious," and only sounds like a Latino drag queen name.
  • 21 May - Before penning the line "May the Force be with you," Lucas planned to have Obi Wan tell Luke, "Shaka, bro!" #LesserKnownStarWarsFacts
  • 23 May - Tom and Jerry would totally pwn Itchy and Scratchy. Unlike Scratchy, Tom is indestructible.
  • 23 May - It doesn't seem fair that "pantaloons" isn't Spanish for "crazy pants."
  • 28 May - Five Fingers of Meth #BadMartialArtsMovies
  • 28 May - Ra's al Ghul's Hallucinogenic Fear Test #UnlikelyLegoSets
 *Yes, I have an awfully inflated opinion of my own zaniness.

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