You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Thursday, November 09, 2017


One of my big regrets in letting this blog slide is that we missed the whole political scene of 2016 and much of 2017. Oh, I'm glad we missed much of it, except for the jokes. There were so many jokes.

And they were all on us.

However, politics, like death, taxes, and venereal disease, can always be found. So, it's never too late for a dose of the political clap, so to speak.

One thing that political analysts really enjoy is predicting things and being wrong. I write those two together because over the last half decade or so they have gone hand in hand. Well, we can predict things and be wrong, too. So, here are some predictions about the political landscape. I feel confident that one or two of these will almost certainly come to pass.

  • President Trump will be impeached, but will be exonerated on the Senate floor when Claude Rains rushes in and yells, "Expel me! I did it!" After the vote acquitting Trump, Rains will protest that he wasn't referring to the President but to Senator Mitch McConnell, expelled earlier that day after he was mistaken for cartoon legend Yertle the Turtle. Also, Rains will realize he's been dead for decades and crumble into dust. A bad day all around for the Senate.
  • Hillary Clinton will also be impeached and acquitted, just for the hell of it.
  • Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, Senators Chuck Schumer and Rand Paul, and incoming Secretary of Commerce Kid Rock will form a Def Leppard tribute band. Only Paul's hair will prove superior to the original. 
  • Governor Bobby Jindal will release his book, "Hey Everyone, Remember Me?"
  • Vying for the legacy of Hillary Clinton, Senators Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris will marry unfaithful, slick-talking politicians, take dubious contributions, jack up their speaking fees by 1000%, and react to fireworks like they are on PCP.
  • Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau will form a boy band named "You Just Knew This Would Happen."
  • President Trump will take to responding to all press questions with the line, "I don't have time for this ****. I have to pee." His popularity will go up 15 points, solely on this change. The irony? It's a lie. He peed in the hallway on the way in.
  • The Mueller investigation will end with a single conviction: Former White House Advisor Steve Bannon will be convicted of egregiously violating federal limits on body oil and sweat. He is sentenced to life imprisonment and to be nightly visited by the ghost of Andrew Breitbart, who beats hell out of him.
  • Congress will replace the current tax code with the rules for the board game Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
  • Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson will get stoned. A lot. (I can't go wrong with this one.)
  • Senator Ted Cruz will announce the publication of his new book, written entirely in code, "Yes, I am the Zodiac Killer. What the Hell Are You Going to Do About It?"
  • Senator Bernie Sanders and Actor/Writer Larry David will finally confirm that they are, in fact, the same person.
  • The meme "But Her E-Mails" will quickly die out when investigators announce that Hillary Clinton's e-mail server contained her explicit orders for Fox to cancel Firefly and for CBS to renew Two and a Half Men for several seasons. 
  • President Trump will announce the following at a news conference: "Twitter just expanded to 280 characters, which just happens to be the length of the nuclear code! In fact, I just tweeted it!"

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