It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Beisbol, been bery, bery good to me!!

Chico Escuela never had it THIS good though. News is breaking of a deal that would make Roger Clemons the highest paid pitcher in baseball history at a whopping $18 million for one year, and you thought Al Sharpton had a sweet gig. Now, anyone who is sports inclined knows that "one year" to a baseball pitcher is like an eight hour day to a government worker. To call it work would be the same as saying that the World Workers Party is actually concerned with workers or anything to do with work.

In order to wrap our minds around the concept of $18 million per season let's look at the statistics. That would mean poor Roger would slave away at approximately $600,000 per game or $87,805 per inning, picking up a cool $94,737 per strike. I have nothing against Roger and wish him all the best as he cashes those big checks and wallpapers his house with $100 bills. I would just wonder where this madness will end and why, besides my lack of any skill at pitching, I'm not somehow getting a piece of the pie.

What if these exorbitant salaries were lavished on others, for instance, if Bill O'Rielly made $75,000 every time he contradicted himself, if Al Franken made $94,500 every time he made a bad joke, if Oprah made $50,000 every time she cried, or if Gallagher made $116,252 every time he smashed a watermelon. (That last example could actually be correct, can someone in research check that out?) These people would be multi-billionaires in weeks and we may never have to see them again. Hey, maybe this isn't such a bad idea but it didn't work with Oprah so I'm not holding my breath.

Needless to say it's probably just hyperbole, Oprah aside, but it is fun to dream. Bloggers could receive $20,000 per word, shoe salesmen can get $12,000 per pair sold, podiatrists would make $5,000 per in-grown toenail, etc etc etc. All I know is the Astros better hope that novelty foam hand sales skyrocket next season.



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