It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

More Awards Shilling!!!

I've noticed that my top ten reasons for awarding us the "Best Humor Blog" haven't exactly drummed up a lot of support at the Forums for the 2006 Weblog Awards. In fact, one participant had the unmitigated nerve to say that they wouldn't be voting for us (scroll down) as they needed to vote for themselves.

This is plainly unacceptable. Although I will be casting my vote for DOUI, it will be simply on the merits of the issue and not a desperate plea for publicity, as I've been using the forums for that.

So, that strategy being inefficient, I've decided to go for the next level of the standard awards programme lobbying playbook (the top level, bribery, being unaffordable... and yes, yes, unethical too) :

Celebrity Endorsements!

Unfortunately (hence the name of the blog, again), my last minute e-mails to Bono, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, Brangelina, Steve Martin, Halle Berry, Governor Schwarzenegger, Thierry Henry, and Keira Knightley have all gone unanswered...mainly because I don't have their addresses, excepting the last case, which involves a restraining order.

Therefore, I have but one choice - Make them all up. The following are what I think the responses of the indicated celebrity would be to our blog, were they ever to read it, chance upon it by happenstance, or it were to get through the filter. After reading these, how could any reasonable voter say no? For legal purposes, the use of quotes in the remainder of this post shall signify fake quotes (thanks for the reminder F. Johnny Lee- and the sharp nudge to the ribs).

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"The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas is a lot like rock and roll. It's crap, but it's good crap!" - Bono

"DOUI makes my day, especially the remarkably thrilling parts where I next blog away to Let's Ponta!" - Julia Roberts

"I vill work vith de legislature to pass und law that deals vith this problem to society permanently...by terminating it! Oh, DOUI? I thought you said DUI! (slaps forehead)" - Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

"I don't have the time for such nonsense when there are so many problems in the world that need our attention. Oh, all right, Nuffy Noe does make me titter from time to time." - George Clooney

"Please leave us the hell alone!!! We want some privacy, you parasites!! ...Oh, DOUI? So-so, though the kids like the pictures." - Brangelina

"Please take the link to my website off of your page. It's drving the hit counts down." - Steve Martin

"Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Fire (sits on piano keyboard)" - Jerry Lee Lewis

"Da Kleben! Hey Laaaaaady!!!" - Jerry Lewis

"Really appalling, I mean, the kind of foul, pustulent, miserable, crapulent filth that only the truly demented are capable of. Really, really, really awful, and I mean that as a compliment." - John Cleese

"On the first day, we started in Cairo where we were accosted by radical fans of The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas. This would set back our journey by a fortnight." - Michael Palin (from the anticipated BBC miniseries "I've No Idea Where I'm Going This Time, but the BBC Is Footing the Bill"

"We utterly condemn The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas as an affront to our way of life!" - President Bush and Speaker of the House Pelosi in a joint statement

"Poop!" - Cakey the Jacked Up Clown

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