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Sunday, March 01, 2009


In betwixt reading Stew Miller's latest new post (Welcome back Stew! Your $1.05 Google Adsense money is waiting for your in the DOUI bank account) and eating 8 pieces of thick-sliced bacon in honor of the conclusion of Michael J. Nelson's month o'bacon*, I noticed some startling news on the Internet: Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson have been reduced to eating dog food.

However, not caring a whit about that sort of inane crap, I moved on to politics and discovered that William Shatner intends to become Prime Minister of Canada. Now, there's the sort of thing that will have you dunking your face in ice-cold brine and slapping a metal spatula against your nose until it turns blue.**

Still, what a bracing change it would make for the Great White North for the former Captain Kirk, T. J. Hooker, that pushy guy in Boston Legal to take over the country. Let's face it, Canada can be rather boring at times. I don't blame the country. I'd be downright dull if I were frozen over nine months out of the year and covered in sweat and mosquitoes the remaining time. If not for a rampantly pompous bureauacracy, it would be like Greenland, only with vaguely Minnesotian English accents.

Anyway, Shatner's campaign platform looks, erm... interesting:

  • Declare war on George Takei
  • Appoint Leonard Nimoy as Deputy Prime Minister and place him in charge of some scientific stuff. Make him wear the ears, too.
  • Change national anthem from O' Canada to Mr. Tambourine Man
  • Make the Kobiyashi Maru exercise a part of all Canadian military training, despite the fact that it occurs in deep space
  • Esperanto added as third official language of Canada
  • Change the name of Ottowa to "T.J. Hookerville" or "Hookerville" for short
  • Convert all agricultural production to growing radicchio (I've no idea about that one.)
  • All Canadian films will henceforth be introduced by the Prime Minister
  • All government and military travel will be handled by Priceline.com
  • The maple leaf flag to be replaced by a red and white "Federation of Planets" symbol, to show Canada's affinity with the galaxy

If Shatner's gets the position, I, for one, can't wait for the next Winter Olympics and a Canadian gold medalist.

*A lovely effort, all things considered.
** Canada's top pasttimes after ice hockey, curling, and pork curing

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