It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Trump Hair = Chaos Theory

I was glancing about at Yahoo! today. Is the exclamation point really necessary in "Yahoo!"? Can we discern for ourselves whether this site excites us enough to require such punctuation? The only thing worse is the search engine actually named "Excite". It sets very high expectations. It reminds me of the trailer for the movie version of Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive", the one where King, looking disheveled and slightly deranged, announces to the camera that his movie will "Scare...the...hell...out...of...you". Funny that... I don't remember the film being nearly as frightening as that close up of Stephen and the look on his face.

Anyway, I was glancing at Yahoo! and noticed an ad for Donald Trump's show "The Apprentice". I realize millions of people have already had a say in this, but what is the appeal of this programme? I mean, I've never really watched it, primarily because I can't get over "The Donald"'s (Apologies to Donald Duck, Donald O'Connor, and Ronald McDonald) ridiculous hair. It's awful in a way that makes you want to tremble and die. The Clash had better hair. A Flock of Seagulls had better hair. Brother Theodore's coiffe looks like a classic Vidal Sassoon creation by comparison.

Yet, for many people, this seems to be one of the drawing points of the show. Millions of Americans seem to tune in asking, "How bad can it get?" I'm fearful that there will be injuries soon, with deaths to follow. Trump and his crack team of demon troll hairstylists will find the one hairstyle that throws people into seizures and massive coronary failure. I don't want to be watching when that happens. I don't want the coroner's report on me to read "death by hair". I sense that would invite all sorts of inappropriate questions.

The other sad possibility is that the styles will catch on with a certain impressionable type of uber-capitalist or left-wing anti-social chic (the two are not so far off). We'll see businessmen and women walking around looking like their hair was cut with a rotary saw.

The other fascination people have with the show is watching Trump utter the words "You're fired!" at the end. I'm confused by this, since it is likely that hundreds, if not thousands, of people have heard this statement up close and in person. If it's such a thrill to be pink-slipped by this dementia-haired, real-estate mogul, why not expand the premise of the show to celebrities and other people the average citizen would like to see terminated from their job? "Andy Rooney? You're fired!" "Michael Moore? Fired!" "Ann Coulter? Fired!" Why waste such a thrill on the anonymous dregs of colleges of business education when we can humiliate famous people?


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