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Friday, February 18, 2005

Mommy! My electronic girlfriend just dumped me!

Ok, this Yahoo! article makes me think that toys are just getting creepier and creepier. An electronic girlfirend? ("Why does your 3 year old keep saying 'Hey baby!' to that little hand-held house?") An Elmo or Pooh that remembers details about your child's life? ("Elmo wants to know where your mommy keeps the knives...") Ewwwww!

Of course there are some really unusual toys out there. The following is just a sample. Their appearance here does not imply endorsement of such (so there, you parasitic legal vermin! Not you of course F. Johnny Lee...)

  • Mr. Fantastic Extendo-Arms - The Fantastic Four movie is coming out soon and this little gadget will be a great promotional toy. The toy consists of special plastic gloves that can extend up to 30 feet at the touch of an internal button. The gloves have a special clamp that allow them to grab things while fully extended, such as cookie jars, Dad's car keys, wallets, checkbooks, and the ample bums of annoying family members and neighbors. Not for use by teenagers or Bill Clinton.
  • Talking Insult-Comic Baby Doll - From the fertile and fetid mind of Robert Smeigel, comes this adorable baby doll with a mouth as foul as her diapers. This lovely, lace-adorned cherub is programmed to deliver over 100 different insults, including: "Get your big #$% out of the way, grandma!", "I've seen better *&^%$#@ heads on a mug of beer!", "Bite me you %$#@&^$ &%*$#@^!", and "Tell Senator Leahy to go $%&# himself!"
  • New Winnie the Pooh Land Cruiser/Tank - Travel to the magical land of Christopher Robin's Hundred Acre Wood in this luxurious armored vehicle. Includes a massive sound system and stickers of Pooh and his friends to decorate the tank to your child's specifications. Flamethrower and anti-personnel cannon are optional. From Disney and General Dynamics.
  • Fear Factor, The Board Game - Play along with everyone's favorite gross out, crapfest that's slowly eroding the moral integrity of America (DOUI would like to apologize for the editorial comment, that's seeped into this bit...Even if every word of it is true.) Includes gummy snakes, lizards, spiders, rats, tightrope, bungee cord, and official waiver forms. That's right, only the snakes are actual gummy candy. Also includes an electronic timer which replicates the annoying voice of host Joe Rogan.
  • Barbie Britney Spears - Now you can vicariously live the life of a dissolute pop vixen with Barbie! Barbie BS includes several outfits (all 2 sizes too small), a karaoke CD containing a wide selection of overproduced dance music, fan mail from Bob Dole, a tattered and dusty Mickey Mouse-ears hat, authorized pictures of Barbie BS's wedding, stepdaughter, and unauthorized pictures of the honeymoon. Coming Soon! Barbie BS's Las Vegas Wedding Chapel and No-Fault-Divorce Courtroom.


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