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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Space, the final frontier or: How I learned to stop whining and love the balm.

Ok, I will admit from the start that this is not my best post but I am fascinated by the possibilities so it cannot be labeled a truly unfortunate idea. The cast of characters in a Star Trek/White House parody just seem to write themselves. Cheney as Spock and Rumsfeld as McCoy are just begging to be explored. We enter, if you will, a theater of the mind. Take yourselves back to the days of the original Star Trek series. Now don’t get me wrong, the group of series that followed had their merits, but for this exercise I would like us to envision the original cast. We begin as the screen is filled with glowing stars on a field of deepest ebony…


Space, Democrats say it’s what’s between my ears. These are the voyagers of the good ship Election-prize. Its four year mission; to seek out new strict constructionist judges, to find new ways to cut the budget, to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Theme music

Captain James T. Bush: Captains log, after my mornin’ jog, heh heh I was a poet didn’t know it. Anyway, I was sitting in the captains chair in the Oval Office working on an alliance with the Klingons over on Capitol Hill and talking with my pointy-eared first officer.

Captain Bush: Mr. Cheney, I want to reach out to the Klingons and try to get some things done in the Federation. I want to compassionately conservate them and use the force on ‘em and stuff.

Mr. Cheney: Uh, that’s highly illogical captain… and the force is from Star Wars.

Captain Bush: Why can’t we have something cool like the force?

Mr. Cheney: Well, uh, captain we are working on it, I have Dr. Rumsfeld exploring the issue right now. There is a joint bi-partisan task force being put together to explore that issue.

Captain Bush: I like the way you put those task forces together, Dick. Call Dr. Rumsfeld to the bridge. Lt. Rice have you been able to make any headway with “Old Romulus” as Dr. Rumsfeld likes to call them.

Lt. Rice: I’ve been hailing them on all frequencies captain but they seem to all be on holiday at Deep Space Disney, as usual. I think they’re still mad at us for our last incursion into the neutral zone. I do have Commander Kerry of the Klingon Empire, I’ll patch him through to the main viewscreen.

Captain Bush: Commander Kerry, you look a lot less wrinkly than usual. qaStaH nuq?

Commander Kerry: As a warrior and having fought in the Battle of Khitomer, I understand the need for restraint in our relations with the Romulans and not getting stuck in a quagmire.

Captain Bush: Election's over, horse face, go back to your homeworld.

Commander Kerry: No blood for Romulan Ale! No blood for Romulan Ale!

Captain Bush: Close hailing frequencies Lt. Rice.

Dr. Rumsfeld: You wanted to see me Jim.

Captain Bush: Rummy, what’s up with my favorite doc. Hey, you got any more of those pills, they helped me sleep last night.

Dr. Rumsfeld: Damn-it Jim, I’m a Defense Secretary not a doctor…at least not a medical doctor.

[Long Pause]

Dr. Rumsfeld: You just wanted me to say the “damn-it Jim” line didn’t you.

Captain Bush: Yeah, you can go now. Lt. Rice, raise Engineer Kennedy for me please.

Engineer Kennedy: Ah, hello bridge. I hate that I hawve to use that word when cawling you cawptain, cawn I just say “Kennedy to Cawptain Bush”?

Captain Bush: No, I like it that way. Hey Teddy, can you give me some more power over on Capitol Hill? I need everything you can give me.

Engineer Kennedy: I would try but we have to remembaw the deficit and cawn’t forget the quagmire and ah the otha ah prawbla fawcing ah the ah clawm chowder ah rezelawt fawzwizzle blawviating. And ah I think one of my nephews tried to smoke the ah dilithium crystals.

Captain Bush: And they say I can’t pronouncicate my words right. I think we’ll have to form a landing party. Spook and Rummy you’re coming with me, Lt. Rice have someone from security meet us in the transporter room.

They make their way to the transporter room where they are met by the security man before beaming into the dangerous world of Capitol Hill.

Captain Bush: Hi son, what’s your name?

Security: Ensign John Edwards sir.

Captain Bush: Keep your eyes open Edwards, you never know what to expect down there.

Of course at this point they beam down to the planet and the red shirt, or “target” as they are known to most Trekkies, is blasted within the first ten minutes.

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