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Friday, September 09, 2005

Julia Child - Punked???

Found in a vault outside of Newark, NJ - The late, great Julia Child gets practical joked:

America's Funniest Bloopers and Practical Jokes
Episode #56
Segment 4 - deleted

Dick Clark: Now in this next joke, we introduced famed gourmet Julia Child to an "up and coming world-class chef" by the name of "Antoine"(footage of the imposing Julia Child being introduced to a small moustached man in a chef's hat and ensemble in a large restaurant kitchen - the chef is played by a younger Roberto Begnini), but as Julia will soon find out, he's not the skilled practioner we've made him out to be.

Julia Child: Well, it's a great pleasure to meet you Antoine!

Antoine: Merci. The honor is all mine.

Julia: So I understand you're going to make a receipe of yours called Crepes Antoine?

Antoine: Oui! That I am.

(Antoine takes a frying pan out and put it on a stove. He lights the gas burner by lighting a match and then spitting a mouthful of Everclear over the flame an onto the gas.)

Julia: (impressed) Oh, how flamboyant! I'll bet that keeps the kitchen staff on their toes!

(Antoine pulls out an egg and clumsily cracks it with one hand spilling large shell fragments into the pan along with the egg. He ignores this and continues to cook.)

Julia: (confused) Ummm, Antoine... aren't you going to remove the shell from the pan?

Antoine: Non, non... She is part of the meal.

Julia: But, aren't you worried that the diners will complain. I mean, that is a mistake for any chef.

Antoine: If a musician plays a wrong note in a concert, they do not stop and start the piece all over...no?

Julia: Yes, but what if someone gets hurt eating the shell?

Antoine: Ah, but without pain, there is no art!

Julia: (Nervously smiling and looking around) You're a bit of a nutter, aren't you?

(Antoine adds some cream to the egg and shell mixture and whips it about in the pan with an egg-beater. Bits of egg and shell fly out of the pan.)

Julia: (Wiping a bit of shell from her face) Hmm...That's a most unusual technique. Would you care for a whisk or a spatula perhaps?

Antoine: Non...I like the exercise. Plus, the eggshells, they are broken into little pieces.

Julia: (Aside to the camera) I think if I ate that, I'd like to break him into little pieces.

(He adds half a cup of cayenne pepper to the mixture.)

Julia: Good heavens! Are you trying to kill your patrons?

Antoine: They like it like this. It is an aphrodisiac...besides, without pain...

Julia: ...There is no art. Yes, I caught that the first time.

(Antoine adds a half bottle of sherry to the mixture. Sloshing some over the sides, which adds a considerable amount of flame to the mix.)

Julia: (Her eyebrows smoking) I think that if you're going to flambe', perhaps you should do it inside the pan.

Antoine: It's all right, this will all be a reduction.

Julia: For crepes? You don't reduce crepes! What are you, an anarchist?

(Antoine flips the crepe/sherry/cayenne pepper mix as if to turn it. The scalding mixture hits Julia square in the face.)

Julia: Aaaggh!!! Watch what you're doing you crazy, little bastard!!!

Antoine: Oops!

Julia: Oops?? OOPS?!?!?! All you have to say is "Oops?" I'll show you "Oops!" you cretin gastronomique!! I was in the OSS you little twerp! I was taught how to kill a man with my bare hands in only three moves, and as you're French, it'll only take me two!!

(Julia reaches for "Antoine's" neck. The camera is knocked sideways. Sounds of gurgled screaming in Italian.)

Julia: Tippecanoe and Tyler too!!! Remember the Alamo!!!!

(Fade to black)

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