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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

DOUI vs. the FONZ, Act II (A Wretched Hippo)

Well, the Friends of the National Zoo, or FONZ as Ron Howard likes to refer to them as, have not responded to my mail suggesting that Stew publicly came up with the name the baby panda contest idea before their little contest. I suppose it could be blind panic, given that this is as controversial as zoos get, notwithstanding unexplained animal fatalities, which drive Ingrid Newkirk crazy (all right, more crazy.)

Nonetheless, now that we are fully engaged with this massive, marmoset-laden government behemoth, which is fully supported by our tax dollars, I do not intend to back-off. Indeed, I shall fight this battle to the bitter end, which will be spectacularly bitter, given that I seriously doubt anyone at FONZ knows or cares who we are, and might consider feeding us to the piranha in the Amazonia exhibit if it would stop the incessant flood of e-mails (2) to their Inboxes.

Anyway, here is the latest:

Dear Arthur Fonzerelli fanatics,

Judging by your response to my previous message (see below for details), or lack thereof, I can only assume that you are not taking we at The Dictionary ofUnfortunate Ideas(http://unfortunateideas.blogspot.com/) seriously.

Indeed, I suspect that the very mention of us around the office provokes one of the following responses:

A) Laughing so hard that the all-natural llama milk in favor at zoos these days shoots out of your nose like a sticky tongue out of a chameleon.

B) A shrug of the shoulders and then the dawning realization that the e-mail you immediately deleted a week or so ago was not a one-time occurrence.

C) A slow shaking of the head, followed by a double dose of Advil.

D) B. followed immediately by C.

E) Multiple restraining orders.

F) An offhanded reference to Lemony Snicket. (No, no,no!!!)

Nonetheless, we still contend that your "Name the BabyPanda" contest(http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/GiantPandas/NamePandaCub/) is a complete copy of the contest my colleague and jai-alai partner Stew Miller promoted in his posts ofAugust 2nd(http://unfortunateideas.blogspot.com/2005/08/its-boy-thats-umbilical-cord-mr.html) and August 4th (http://unfortunateideas.blogspot.com/2005/08/first-annual-panda-naming-contest.html) with the exception that you didn't even let people pick the bleeding names. (China/Washington Magnificent?? Frank Zappa named his kids better than that!)

It is still not too late to reach a compromise. We will be perfectly satisfied if you simply announce that the winner of the contest is "Stew Miller Panda Magnificent China/Washington Mountain Dragon Magnificent." As a public entity, I think you will find that this is in keeping with the grand traditions of government. You can even claim a committee came up with the idea, just to keep it real.

Also, we're sure the parents won't mind, and if they do, just bribe them off with a few extra stalks of bamboo. It's like crack for pandas. (I was at the National Zoo in August and saw the male panda. He was devouring the stuff the way Roger Ebert goes through Raisinettes.)

Please respond as soon as you can, in between feeding the golden marmosets (of which you seem to have thousands) and the hippo, who I understand can be a bit cranky.

Yours etc...
Earl Fando Co-Editor and Contributor, (still)
The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas


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