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Sunday, August 28, 2005

DOUI versus the FONZ!

For those of you wondering about the lack of activity on the site this weekend, please allow me to assure you that we have not gone soft. Rather, I myself was busy composing a scathing response to the Friends of the National Zoo (lest you thought the title of this post was an obscure Happy Days reference), after hearing Stew's news that they have decided to run their own little panda-naming contest, and completely ignore Stew's (and our loyal readers') labours of August 2 through the 4th, in which he found the perfect name(s) for the little zebra bear currently residing in the District of Columbia.

So, having set all this up, below you will find the fruit of my efforts, the letter dispatched today via e-mail, to the Zoo folk. I will, of course, keep you all up to date on any future correspondence (and with any luck, publicity.)

**********

Dear Friends of the National Zoo and Henry Winkler,

I am writing to express my extreme disappointment in discovering that you have resorted to crass, commercial exploitation of the newest little panda to join the big happy, if partly carnivorous, family of your zoo. Also, to complain, because we, or rather specifically my colleague, Stew Miller, promoted the idea first. (See http://unfortunateideas.blogspot.com/2005/08/its-boy-thats-umbilical-cord-mr.html for details.)

Given that *unfortunate* (note the clever website tie-in) fact, it would seem that some sharing of the credit for the idea (web site!) of a contest for the naming of this bamboo-snarfing little penguin-bear is in order. Therefore, I suggest one of the following compromises, and strongly encourage you to modify your contest to reflect one of these, lest this dynamite story reach the ravenous hyenas of the major mainstream media, and the ensuing humilation of knowing that you were beaten to an idea by freelance comedy writers hits the zoological circuit. (We all know the barbs and taunts that will follow from the Jack Hannas and Steve Irwins of the world.):

Immediately add one or both of our contest winners' selected names to the list of possibilities. The additions would then be:

  • "Bon Bon - Mmmmmm creamy panda filling." by Elizabeth K.

and

  • "Harold Abramovitz - enough with the "ing-ing" crap already!!!!" by Dortmund H.

OR

Add the name of my colleague, Stew Miller, to each of the existing names in your contest, in honor of his ingenuity in beating you sloths to the idea. So, the resulting names would be:

  • Hua Stew Sheng (hwah-SHUNG), means China Washington, Stew, magnificent
  • Sheng Stew Hua (SHUNG-hwah), means Washington China, Stew, magnificent
  • Tai Stew Shan (tie-SHON), means peaceful mountain of Stew
  • Long Stew Shan (lone-SHON), means dragon mountain of Stew
  • Stew Qiang Qiang (chee-ONG chee-ONG), means Stew is strong, powerful

If any of these altered names proves unsatisfactory to you or the Chinese Commies, allow me to suggest one final possibility: "Panda Stew"

I eagerly await your response! (Thus the exclamation point)

Quixotically,

Earl Fando

Co-Editor, Contributor, The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas (http://unfortunateideas.blogspot.com)

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