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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Zombie designer drugs????

News is spreading like the clap amongst Motley Crue groupies about a new drug that is set to make zombies out of blue-collar and white-collar workers alike. CX717 (or as it will soon be known: greenies) releases small goblins in the bloodstream which scurry to the brain and then play loud grunge metal music keeping you awake. I'm sorry I had to do that, but it's much easier than trying to explain neurotransmitters or other neurological what-nots and cell-to-cell communication in the brain. The drug is aimed at those working long hours and late nights, but is there a more sinister purpose to this zombie making concoction, or am I just padding the story with a few lame jokes.

Immediately upon hearing the news my spider sense began to tingle like it hasn't since the "New Coke" fiasco in 1985. Was this new drug just a sad attempt by the pharmaceutical industry to turn us into mindnumbed robots towing the company line? I took the question to a local vendor known as Tony Baducci's Bodega.

Stew: Tony, what can you tell us about CX717?

Tony: Wha'? Listen are you's gonna pay for that hooch or not?

Stew: What's the word on the street Tony?

Tony: The word's you're a %^$&^%$ lunatic, get out of here!!!

Undaunted by Tony's ambiguity I struck out once more to find the answers that would shed the light of truth in the murky world of designer drugs. Next, I went to the local chicken guttery to see if some of the line workers could expound on the drug. I was lucky enough to catch them during a shift change and talked to Lou Tutty, Mariella Hernandez, and Frangelica DuBuois.

Stew: Tell me, have any of you taken performance enhancing drugs?

Lou: (shaking finger at me) I have never used them. Period. I don't know how to say it any more clearly than that. Never.

Stew: What if I told you I have documented evidence of your use of them?

Lou: Look, I'll do anything to stay on the line. I love my job. I don't want any trouble, ok mister.

Stew: Well, I was going to say I would be lying if I told you that.

Lou: I claim the fifth, you ain't gettin' anyting outta me. (Leaves the room)

Frangelica: Oooo, you is cute. (to Mariella) Let's go girlfriend.

Mariella: ¬°Usted me disgusta, cerdo! (You disgust me, pig!)

So there you have it folks, unassailable evidence that the drug companies are out to poison our minds with their unctions and questionable practices. As for me, I'll just stay awake the old fashion way, with methadone-laced Red Bull poured over Starbuck's Doubleshot ice cubes.

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