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Sunday, August 21, 2005

Whazzya Mean Cloooozzz Earllllliaaaaa?

Britain is reconsidering ending laws that close pubs at 11 p.m. The law change was proposed in 2001 by Wycham and Barrow-in-Furness MP "Paralytic Pete" Rotherham, who stated, "We must hafff the rigght ta imbooob liquuuur at any tiiimmme we chooozzz... gin and tonic please!"

Other, slightly more sober MPs stated that the cultured nations of the continent allowed drinking at all hours, and thus was a good model for Britain. All this change when a recent government study was released which indicated:

1) Britons would continue to drink in even more massive quantities if able to at all hours. - This disproved the idea forwarded by some MPs that British drinkers would "pace themselves" if given all evening to drink. In a controlled study, 20 young British adults were placed in a simulated pub and told that the pub would not close at 11 p.m. 90% of the participants, to use the text of the study, "drank until their heads exploded." The other 10% merely died of liver failure.

2) Crime will increase as more individuals are able to drink through the evening. - This was demonstrated by what is now called the "bloody obvious" principle of reasoning. Also, in the aforementioned test, the participants, before their heads exploded or they succumbed to liver disease, set fire to the mock pub after looting the cash register and repeatedly shooting the robotic bartender with a tennis cannon someone had mistakenly left on the premises.

3) The "Cultured Nations" of the continent are in fact a bunch of sodden deliquents. - This was established by a poll of 2,000,000 Britains in a recent issue of Punch.

The government have two choices before the House of Commons: Repeal the law and hold the status quo, or adjourn at the end of the month and hit the taverns like a cricketer for six.

Adjournment was moved up to the 23 of August.


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