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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

"I'd be sorrier about it, if I could only stop grinning!"

Press Release Draft - CBN/700 Club Headquarters - Pat Robertson Apology

August 24, 2005, 9:30 a.m. - just after morning workout

I, Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network and the 700 Club, would like to offer my sincerest apologies to anyone who was offended by my comments, made on Monday night. That night, in reference to dictatorial Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, I said that since he believes the United States is trying to assassinate him, that we should accomodate him and take him out.

It is clear to me that my remarks were taken out of context. When I said the U.S. should "assassinate" Chavez, I meant that figuratively, meaning that we should go down there, kidnap El Presidente Chavez, beat him with pole arms, smear him with dog excrement, and hang him from a palm tree by his heels until vultures eat his heart out.

I did not mean to imply that the U.S. government should, or in fact would actually kill Chavez themselves, as this is clearly against U.S. law. Rather, I felt the U.S. should in fact take every action that would ensure that this Castro-loving, commie despot would die a horribly premature and unnatural death in the jungle like a craven animal.

It is clear to me that the U.S. Government is not even willing to take this relatively easy step. Therefore, I have decided to travel to Venezuela myself, where, with only my bare hands, and a private army of over 10,000 battle-hardened former college football players, I will personally seek out El Presidente, rip out his lungs with a plastic spoon and then feed them to my pet chihuahua Ernie. Afterwards, I will fly to Cuba and stuff Fidel Castro into a blender set to "liquify".

Again, my sincerest apologies if I was in any way misunderstood and anyone was offended as a result of that.

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