"They're Real and They're Fabulous!"

News flash... Physician proclaims Tyra Banks' breasts are real.

The Dow rose 12 points and the Department of Homeland Security reduced its terror alert to yellow on the news. One Department of Homeland Security stated off the record, "Thank heavens! We were all so concerned. I mean, we know she said they were real, but it was kind of hard to believe. I mean, just look at them. The Golden Gate Bridge doesn't have that kind of suspension. Now we can finally get back to focusing on hurricane relief." On the Dow, Playtex saw the biggest lift to their stock, which split later in the day.

In a related story, a physician from the Discovery Channel proclaimed that Jennifer Lopez's backside is "definitely made of polyutherane." NASDAQ plummeted on the news, although there was a upturn towards the end of the morning as polyutherane stocks firmed up. Analysts said that these stocks would do well on the backside of the crisis, and that problems with similar investments should not rear up any time soon.