It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Donde esta Jorge Carlito Viejo?

Mysteriously, Jorge Carlito Viejo hasn't published in a month. When we last heard from him, he was biking for health, which led me to initially suspect that, given his relatively limited sense of direction, he was lost. You may ask, "Isn't getting lost for a month on a bike highly improbable?" For mere humans, yes. However, J.C.V. is easily distracted by the amazing and magnificent minutia of life. That, and being a guy, however extraordinary, he refuses to ask for directions.

I've called in a few chips (Lays, Pringles, etc.) and asked some people to investigate. Not surprisingly, I received some varied reports and rumours, the most plausible of which I shall relate to you here:

1.) Jorge Carlito Viejo was reportedly spotted in the employment of Her Majesty Elizabeth II, Sovereign of the United Kingdom, as a masseuse. The rumour is though, that he was just using the occupation to get close enough to the Queen to ask her for her receipe for orange scones, and also to find out what she really thinks of Camilla. Unfortunately, he was dismissed after only 2 days for forgetting to remove his golf shoes before walking on the Queen's back (his famous toe-reador massage.) It was fortunate that he had only recently switched to soft spikes. He was last seen communing with the pidgeons at Trafalgar Square, which means they weren't actually pooping on him.

2.) Jorge Carlito Viejo has entered the Tour De Nepal, the world's most grueling bike race. He fared pretty well during the K-2 stage, but lost control of his bike in the final stage into Kathmanu when he collided with a feather. While convalescing in a clinic in Macao, where he was airlifted after his tumble, he had an inspiration and invented the seatbelt for bicycles, which unfortunately failed several key tests, one of which involved a bicycle going over a cliff.

3.) Jorge Carlito Viejo was elected Prime Minister of Andorra. He rode to popularity by promising to invade France and Spain, simultaneously, which went spectacularly well as they were all on vacation in Minsk. Unable to occupy 1,045,172 square kilometers with a force of only 19 men, Jorge Carlito's invasion force returns home, detouring for a tour of the Louvre and a weekend in Barcelona. He was then ousted in a no confidence vote by the Consell General de las Valls, when he recklessly described the head of the Andorran Democratic Center Party as "Dingo Brains." He has since retired to Cannes, where he is planning a film of his exploits called "How I Conquered France and Spain but Couldn't Master Stinking Tiny Andorra, the Little Weasels," with a cast thousands...excuse me, I meant 19.

My own theory is that he was abducted by aliens, and made their king, until he realized that the alien beings were made out of pizza dough, which resulted in violence and carnage unseen before in the galaxy, and also the finest pizzeria this side of Arcturus. The lesson learnt is, don't make a gourmet your king if you and your people are extremely delicious.

I realize some will think that's appalling, but it must be said, that is a fair lesson to learn.

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