You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

DOUI versus the FONZ - Part the Third!!

Well, I have been waiting anxiously for a response from The Friends of the National Zoo in regards to their farcical contest to name their baby panda, a contest which is remarkably similar to one presented here on DOUI by our own Stew Miller. Unfortunately, nothing formal has come down the virtual pike from FONZie's people. I did however recently receive a message that could possibly be a private communique from the zoo. It contained the following text:

Viagra $3.3
Cialis $1.2

Now, aside from the fact that whenever I get a message about Viagra or Cialis I am instantly reminded of the Monty Python sketch about mollusks ("There's a man at the door with a mustache." "Tell him I've already got one."), I was initially confused. Surely, this must be just more spam and boring spam, at that. Then, like quicksilver, my mind raced to another, alternate possibility. Someone was trying to send me a secret message! However, my wife denied it completely and I was left with a third possibility, one that was so simple, so innocuous, that its cunning devious genius shone by omission.

How better to approach DOUI with a compromise on the naming of a new panda, than to do so with a plain little message purporting to be from some third-world-based spam hack! It was absolutely brilliant, or, quite possibly, I'd been up too long that evening.

I realized that, rather than the names of popular pharmecuticals, I had been sent a list of compromise panda names!!!

After marveling at the extraordinary lengths that a bunch of Bat Guano analysts would go to, in order to avoid a public confrontation with us, I suddenly realized that this was a compromise in name only. I realized that the FONZ were trying to take back control of this process by choosing a whole new slew of names, and forcing us to play by their rules and forget that the whole panda-naming contest appeared here first!!

Therefore, if you are listening oh FONZ-types, I am responding on behalf of our blog as follows:

We will only accept the compromise if the panda names mentioned are modified in the following way to reflect our own panda-naming efforts:

Here are the names in the compromise I am suggesting (I'm really just trying to squeeze all the colons I can into this post. I'm short on my colon quota this week. As you may have guessed, I'm also short on my number of colon-related jokes as well.):

  • Propecia Stew Magnificent
  • Ultram Stew Washington Beijing
  • Viagra $3.3 and not a penny less for Stew
  • Cialis $1.2 Canadian and a Stew
  • Celebrex! Celebrex! Dance to the Music! (Stew!)
  • Meridia Stewridia (not Chlamydia)
  • Xanax Keeps Stew from Panics
  • Valium Stew Verisimilitude
  • Wingardium Levitra Stew
  • Ambien Stewdios

If FONZ chooses one of these names for the baby panda, or one of the names I suggested previously here, here, or here, I will cease this silly campaign. Otherwise, onward and pandaward, or something like that.

P.S. : : : There, that should cover this week.


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