It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

It Had to Be You...


...According to Time Magazine, it is you. You are Time's Person of the Year.

So many people have already commented on the completely absurd laziness of this choice, that it would be difficult to say much more about it without covering ground already well trod upon.

However, I called a few contacts and was able to figure out why Time didn't go with a single individual. Below are exceprts of notes from the Time editorial board meeting, describing why potential candidates didn't cut the mustard.

(Iranian President)Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - "Crazy 'nuke Israel' boy? Yeah, why not just close the Tel Aviv Bureau tomorrow?"

Donald Rumsfeld - "Afraid Rummy might send tanks to bomb Time Headquarters. Sure he's retired, but he could call in some chips."

Hugo Chavez - "Yeah, Time loves anyone who refers to Bush as the devil, but this guy on a magazine cover? Maybe Fangoria."

Jack Abramoff - "That damn hat is not going on the cover. We don't care how many Republicans the guy brought down."

Muqtada al-Sadr - "He looks like the Shiite version of the Pillsbury dough boy. Plus, we don't do enough sales in Bagdad and Tehran."

Kim Jong Il - "Dear Leader, bite us, creep! Sincerely, Time."

Katie Couric - "Sure she's perky. However, CBS is third in the network ratings. That can't translate to good magazine sales. Maybe if she were on The View?"

Borat - "We are still having nightmares about the wrestling scene. Couldn't they have thrown on some jocks or something?"

Fidel Castro - "Maybe dead, maybe not, but put him on a cover and that's circulation death. Can we make Che 'Man of the Year?'"

Al Gore - "It hasn't been the same since he shaved off the beard."

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