It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Workin' Out Wid' Weights!

In my last post, I mentioned that I have been working out with weights for the last few months. Lest some of you begin to visualise me as rapidly growing in resemblance to Governor Schwarzenegger during his Pumping Iron/Hercules in New York/I do not speak the English so vell era, I've decided to elaborate on this intense routine. I felt this was appropriate not only because I don't want people to think I'm degenerating into a vapid musclehead (as opposed to the numerous intellectual muscleheads who regularly read this blog), but because it's been a fairly slow news week.

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Day 1 - Upper Body (Arms, shoulders, back, chest, noggin)

  • 45-50 presses with 2 30 lb. dumbbells (named "Donald" and "Rosie")
  • Recover - watch Fox Soccer Channel and complain about Arsenal's season
  • 200 leg lifts (not necessarily in a row) and 40 low-impact crunches (the equivalent of raising up to see the Champions League highlights)
  • 70-80 presses with 2 20 lb. dumbbells (named "Tom" and "Kat")
  • Recover - read P.G. Wodehouse story about how Jeeves saves Bertie Wooster from marriage to a shrill upper-class woman who wants Bertie to go into diplomacy and become a vegetarian monk
  • 150 leg lifts (see above) and the 40 odd crunches. Maybe a candy bar between the two (for energy!)
  • 25 "flys" with the 30 lb. dumbbells. Grunt frequently to mask pain and weeping.
  • Recover - short nap and bowl of hot cream of bacon soup
  • 150 leg lifts (etc.) and 40 more crunches. Thus ends the stomach work, if you don't count the bag of crisps.
  • 50 flys with the 20 lb. dumbbells. Say the words, "Oh yeah!" frequently to create the impression that I'm relaxed instead of feeling as though Abu Gharib would be a relaxing change.
  • Recover - breath deeply, if at all, and curse "Tom" and "Kat" (The dumbbells... well, the weights.)
  • 10-15 drop lifts from over my head from a laying position with the 30 lb. dumbbells
  • Recover - Go limp in easy chair and channel surf sport networks
  • 25 "drops" with the 20 lb. weights
  • Recover - Read Golf Magazine to see how much Tiger made last month
  • 10 "drops" from behind my head from a sitting position with one 30 lb. weight
  • Recover - Return to magazine, read 12 articles on how Phil Mickelson is still in denial about his U.S Open collapse, all written by writers with 15+ handicaps
  • 15 lifts over my head with the 30 lb. weights.
  • Recover - Try to keep eyes from rolling up in head
  • 15 more with the 30 lb weights.
  • Recover - Get feeling back in shoulders
  • 30 more with 20 lb. weights
  • Recover - Short coma
  • 30 lifts from a bending position, the 30 lb. weights at my sides, lifting striaght up. No idea what they're called I'm afraid.
  • Recover - Several Hostess Ho-Ho's (No Don Imus jokes, please) and Ding-Dongs (No Howard Stern jokes, please).
  • 25-30 lifts from a bending position taking the 30 lb. weights away from my body to the sides
  • Recover - Short time in hammock, then an ice bath.
  • 10 lifts standing straight up, taking the 30 lb. weights away from my body at the sides (sort of an inverted Iron Cross move)
  • Recover - Howl in pain
  • 15 more with the 20 lb. weights
  • Recover - Priest comes in and attempts to give last rites. Stops when I explain to him that I'm not Catholic.
  • 15 curls with one 30 lb. weight, right arm; repeat with left arm
  • Recover - Slap biceps repeatedly until they stop aching
  • 25 curls with one 20 lb weight as before
  • Recover - Collapse into a fetal ball until awoken by missus the following morning.

Day Two - Lower Body (everything below the naughty bits, excepting the glutes and belly)

  • Similar to Day One except with the legs and less so. the usual leg lifts and crunches and Crunchies.

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