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Friday, September 14, 2007

The Juice Gets Juiced

O.J. Simpson1 was arrested this week for breaking into a Las Vegas hotel room.

I had hoped to avoid writing about the accused/acquitted/probably guilty2 murderer until, say, about Armegeddon - and even then, only as a way to take people's minds off of the general warfare. Unfortunately, Orenthal James Simpson seems determined to enjoy whatever seedy, perverse part of the limelight he can squeeze into these days. He recently released a book entitled "If I Did It," which describe how the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman would have happened, were Simpson the "real killers." Erm... the "real killer."

Apparently, the Goldman family obtained rights to the book - probably as part of the $33+ million settlement O.J. owes them - and published it as "If I Did It: The Confessions of a Killer." No word as to the rumour that the book contains an epilogue described how Simpson, had he been found guilty, would have been sentenced to endure every trial his Police Squad character, Officer Nordberg, faced in the popular film series...twice.

In any case, Simpson allegedly broke into a Las Vegas hotel room in an attempt to "recover" some sports memorabilia (6 clipped nose hairs, a monogrammed shoelace, and a used jock - all autographed, of course). He was quickly nabbed by "hotel security3," arrested, booked, and released on his own recognizance to a nearby golf course.

Enough is enough. I'm calling for a media blackout of O.J.4 The man has had a Heisman Trophy-winning collegiate football career, a Hall of Fame pro career, an inexplicably long, if marginal, acting career, the Hertz and Dingo advert campaigns, and finally, seemingly the longest and most absurd murder trial since Charles Manson's freewheeling, sex, drugs, and schizophrenia prosecution for the Tate-LaBianca Murders in the 70's.

Instead, we're likely to see even more of O.J. in the coming weeks. O.J. explaining how he was mistakenly in the room and that the footprints in the carpet couldn't possibly be his because his Dingo boots made a much deeper impression. Kato Katelin will turn up, fresh from his job as a casino hanger-on, to explain how O.J. was with him most of the night trying to pick up barflies. Johnny Cochran has passed on, but I'm sure they can find a lawyer who rhymes5 and has a size 2 pair of gloves handy.

Oh, well. Steve Martin said that comedy is not pretty. He must have been thinking of the Juice.

1. No relation to Jessica, Ashley, or Homer. Bart? ...maybe.
2. According to the civil lawsuit he lost to the Goldman family. F. Johnny Lee made me write that.
3. Some friendly members of the Gambino family made me write that.
4. No, not orange juice, though I am sick of the adverts where the mother reaches into the refrigerated compartment of the grocery and her hand appears in a Florida orange grove. Who wants sun-baked 85-degree orange juice?
5. F. Johnnie Lee declines the offer, Mr. Simpson. He prefers blank verse anyway.


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