Naming Bourne Films

Well, I had a bit of a set back with pain management during the weekend, as the arm pain that has limited my blogging is still a factor. It wouldn't be so bad if certain other bloggers, who shall remain nameless in this post (but are prominently displayed in the sidebar) would carry their part of the load. If we ever sell that "Best of DOUI" book, I think my share will need to be at least 50% at this point.

Anyway, the missus and I saw The Bourne Ultimatum last night. I don't wan't to spoil the plot, but I think I can safely pass along that Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) killed several dozen people. Also, he had at least two telephone conversations with people who were hunting him where at the end he revealed he was dialing them up from under their chair or, in one case, from within their lunchbox.

The film made spectacular use of shaky, dizzying handheld camerawork - and by spectacular, I mean the vomiting in the cinema. I can't stand the style myself, even in the hands of a talented filmmaker like Ultimatum director Paul Greengrass. It's all a bit like watching a film that was shot in a giant cuisinart. Every so often, Damon, or the charming Julia Stiles, fly by like the props in Twister.

Ultimatum is the third of the Bourne films, based on the novels of the late Robert Ludlum, but I can't see the series stopping there, even though Ludlum only wrote three of the things and has been dead for seven years. There have been two other sequels, The Bourne Legacy, and The Bourne Betrayal, written by someone named Eric Van Lustbader, which can't possibly be a real name.

Even so, I could see this series going on for quite some time, and they're going to need more titles, especially ones that fit Jason Bourne's coming crises of life. I'm keen to help, despite the cinematography-induced nausea, so here are a few suggestions:

• The Bourne Repitition
• The Bourne Full-Collision Motorcar Insurance
• The Bourne Ice-Cream Brain Freeze
• The Bourne Elliptical - Three Times A Week at Gold's Gym (Bangkok)
• The Bourne Hernia
• The Bourne Psoraisis
• The Bourne Martini (think of the marketing crossover possibilities)
• The Bourne Gallstone
• The Bourne Ham on Rye
• The Bourne AARP Discount
• The Bourne 401K Cash-In
• The Bourne Hip Replacement
• The Bourne Hair Transplants