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Saturday, November 22, 2008

Applying for the Obamastration

Well, as it turns out, the Obama application questions I posted the other day were a bit off.* As it turns out, the application is much worse. Nonetheless, I decided that a federal government gig might be better than my current day job, as it would be almost impossible to fire me in government work. So, I've filled out the application and my responses are below.

It's a long application. Very, very, very long.** So, here's Parts I and II. If I get the chance, I'll post the rest.

I. Professional Background

(1) Please furnish copies of all resumes and biographical statements issued by you or any other entity at your discretion or with your consent within the past ten years.

Well, there's the Blog of the Day award from a few years back, and my National Novel Writing Month award. Other than that, an amateur football (soccer) medal, the one hate mail, and the general disinterest of the blog award in this enterprise, that's about it. Well, that and the Emmy, but everyone's got one of those.***

(2) If you are a member of any licensed profession or occupation, please specify the following: the present status of each license; whether any such licensehas ever been withdrawn, suspended, or revoked; whether any disciplinary action of any kind has ever been taken in connection with your license. Please also list any applications for professional licenses or certifications that may have been denied, and the reasons for denial.

Damn, that's a long question.

(3) Please provide the names of all corporations, firms, partnerships, trusts, or other business enterprises, and all non-profit organizations and other such institutions with which you are now, or during the past ten years have been, affiliated with as an advisor, attorney or consultant.

Triple Bypass Surgery Productions and Waste of Time Productions. That covers both business and non-profit, at the same time, unfortunately.

(4) Please chronologically list activities, other than those listed on your resume or biography, from which you have derived earned income (e.g., self-employment, consulting activities, writing, speaking, royalties and honoraria) for the past ten years.

I left this one blank.

(5) Have you or your spouse ever registered as a lobbyist or other legislative agent to influence federal or state legislation or administrative acts? Have you or your spouse ever received payment for acting as a lobbyist or legislative agent? If so, please supply details.

I once called my local congressman and demanded that the local chicken plant start scenting the rendering product. I wasn't paid, unless the sound of derisive laughter is legal tender.

(6) If you or your spouse have performed any work for, received any payments from and/or made payments to any foreign government, business, non-profit organization or individual, please describe the circumstances, and identify the source and amount. Also, please specify if you or your spouse have ever been registered as an agent for a foreign principal.

Whenever I'm in Britain I buy tickets for the National Lottery. According to several e-mails I've received over the past ten years, I've won the bloody thing 453 times. They must be holding my winnings in escrow though, because I've not seen so much as a tenpenny.

(7) If you or your spouse have ever lived or worked abroad, please describe the circumstances.

I'm rather disappointed that the Obama administration is referring to women as "a broad." Whether I've ever worked one or not depends on your definition of the term. (Assuming you don't mean "on the job"). A bit nosy, if you ask me.

(8) Briefly describe the most controversial matters you have been involved with during the course of your career.

Let's see, there was the tiff with the National Zoo about the panda naming. We eventually settled out of court, which means they ignored us and we didn't have legal grounds to sue. There was that time I dressed as Dame Edna and accidentally ran into Barry Humphries. That wasn't as bad as running into Alex Baldwin a few moments later. I still haven't called the number he gave me. There are the restraining orders from several actresses, the skinny-dipping in the reflecting pool on the Mall in D.C. (those two are related, I'm afraid), impersonating Dan Patrick at the ESPYs, My stint as Evel Knievel's parachute technician (that didn't work out very well), ... the full list would be longer than this questionnaire.

(9) Please provide the names, addresses and telephone numbers of three professional references. If possible, please furnish names of individuals with whom you have worked as a peer, a subordinate and as a supervisor.

HRH Queen Elizabeth II, Buckingham Palace, London, UK
Elvis, Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee, USA (When you call, ask for "Bob")
George W. Bush, 2600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC, USA - Please call this last one by January 20

II: Publications, Writings and Speeches

(10) Writings: Please list and , if readily available, provide a copy of each book, article, column or publication (including but not limited to any posts or comments on blogs or other websites) you have authored, individually or with others. Please list all aliases or "handles" you have used to communicate on the Internet.

How to Write a Novel in a Month
It All Started with Ed OR A Yeti in Times Square (with Stew Miller)
How to Garrot a Pike in 12 Easy Steps (written as Phinster Mulligtawny)
The Many Loves of Steffi Graf (written as Ernest Hemingway Jr.)
How to Clean a Non-Flushing Toilet (written as "Jack Sims")
The History of Meat Pies (written as William Shatner with Chris Kreski)
Weightlifting for Insects (as Carl Sagan)

Crosswords for Thick People, The Weekly Monthly (discontinued)
Our Friend the Guillotine, Grit (written as Socrates)

The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas (over half of them, I'm afraid)
Land of Fando

Online Aliases:
Earl Fando
The Dread Warrior of Saxus-Carbuncle
Elvis Jr.
Big Sally
Barack Hussein Obama (of course I stopped using this one as soon as I heard President-Elect Obama's middle name was Hussein. What a coincidence!)

(11) Testimony: Please identify each instance in which you have testified before Congress or other legislative, administrative, investigative or regulatory body, and specify the subject matter of the testimony. If available, please provide summaries or transcripts of your testimony.

Once, at a meeting of the local City Board, I gave a verbatim recitation of the "chicken salad" speech from Five Easy Pieces in response to a board members suggestion that I had "rocks in my head." I got a standing ovation. (See here for the transcript.)

(12) Speeches: Please identify all speeches you have given. If available please provide the text or recording of each such speech or identify any recordings of speeches of which you are aware.

I spoke about 4 dozen times in support of the Pip Clowson Presidential campaign. The theme of each speech was, erm... "Why we should never elect that loser Barack Obama to high office." Water under the bridge and all that, I hope.

(13) Electronic communications: If you have ever sent an electronic communication, including but not limited to an email, text message or instant message, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect if it were made public, please describe.

Five words: Photo, nunnery, trespassing, cattle prod. If it's any comfort, the cattle prod had a big "Vote for Pip Clowson" sticker on it.

(14) Diaries: If you keep or have ever kept a diary that contains anything that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect if it were made public, please describe.

Do you mean a real diary or a fantasy one? If real only, then there's absolutely no problem here.

* Rather.
** I'm just warning you.
***I'm kidding. I'm probably the only person without one.

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