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Monday, November 17, 2008

Signing Up for the Obamastration

Barack Obama is getting his new administration ready to take the reins of government. However, this being government, if you want to participate in the administration you have to fill out a form. It's a very, very long form with lots of interesting questions, requiring quite a lot of details, proving that President-Elect Obama is already qualified to run the Internal Revenue Service.

Here are some sample examples of the 7,500 questions on the form:

  • Have you ever served in government before? If so, for which administration? (We really need to know this.) Did your guy get re-elected?
  • What degree do you hold and where did you graduate from? Is this a real institution of higher learning or an apartment in San Bernadino, California?
  • Were you born in the United States of America? If so, can you provide a birth certificate or a reasonable fascimile, or anything that looks like an official document of some kind? Seriously?
  • Have you ever been a lobbyist? If so, did you give us money? If so, when would you like to start?
  • Which of the following fields do you have professional experience in: Government, Business, Finance, Foreign Service, Military, Communications, Transportation, Science, Energy, Education, Entertainment, Professional Athletics, Base-jumping, Bull-riding, Ferret-wrangling, Gigolo, Hen-teasing, Juggling, Magic, Creepy David Blaine-style magic, Psychic, Cheerleading, Animating the Dead, Poker, Economics. Are you actually qualified to do any of these?
  • Have you ever lived in any of the following states: Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi, Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas, Louisiana, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska (except 2nd Congressional District), South Dakota, North Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho, Arizona, Utah, Alaska, and possibly Missouri?
  • Are you prone to saying really weird, even stupid things in public places, with large crowds and media presence? If so, is your last name Biden?
  • Do you consider yourself more photogenic than President-Elect Obama? If so, would you be willing to consider plastic surgery?
  • How many wives do you have, currently? In the same home?
  • Have you attempted to pick up anyone in a public restroom in the last 10 years? If so, were you arrested? Was there media coverage?
  • Do you keep large sums of money at home? In your mattress? In your fridge? Would you be willing to transfer those funds to a Swiss Bank Account?
  • Have you ever had an intimate relationship with a non-human? If so, please provide names, countries and/or planets, and species.
  • Have you ever driven in an officially-sanctioned NASCAR race? If so, do you also drink a lot of beer? Have you had more than one wife? How many speeding tickets have you had in the past six months?
  • How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
  • Have you ever walked on stilts? Used a pogo stick? Rode a unicycle? If you have done any of these, are you a professional clown?
  • Do you have any relatives who are foreign nationals? If so, do they reside in the United States? If so, how willing are they to keep quiet?
  • Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight, Batman?
  • Imagine an Austrailian Rules Footbal oval with a maximum circumference of 200 yards and a minimum circumference of 150 yards. Given the bisection of the oval is at 100 yards and accounting for the slight curvature of the earth and an average wind speed of 15 knots, using Bayes Theorem and the quadratic formula to calculate the cotangent of the radial hexography, answer the following question: Who won the Aussie Rules Grand Final in 1956?
  • Do you play a musical instrument? If so, is it the bagpipes, accordion, or kazoo?
  • Have you ever written a really cheesy love song for a woman and played it on guitar? If so, did John Belushi break your guitar? Is your name Greg Brady?
  • Have you ever worked for a foreign power, including North Korea, Iran, Venezuela, Syria, or Cuba? If not, are you really telling the truth here, because we have to ask this? We don't enjoy this, but the people at the NSA told us it was important...listen, just help us out here and we won't bother you again.
  • Do you like PiƱa Coladas and getting caught in the rain?
  • Have you ever been a streaker at a major sporting event? If so, can you provide video footage documenting this?
  • Is your last name Bush? If so, would you be willing to change it?
  • If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

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