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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

And the Oscar goes to....

With Oscar prediction season in full swing we would be remiss to forget those in the thankless side of motion pictures, the sci-tech nominees. Yes, these geeks deserve their due for without them we could not experience the joy of unending morphs, T-rexi chasing down your Jeff Goldblums, or Imagica 65/35 Multi-Format Optical Printers offering us ease of set-up and change-over to various formats from 35mm to 65mm 15-perf with both additive and subtractive lamp houses. We, therefore, offer our predictions for the scientific and engineering awards in 2005.

· Fando Industries for their computer software suite which eliminates the placing of Josh Hartnett or Guy Pearce into any motion picture. The “Overexposurizer 3.1” software allows the user to place a computer generated actor, such as Owen Wilson, into any low to mid budget picture immediately pushing up the gross and possible Golden Globe nomination potential.

· Pixar Corporation for their seamless use of a computer generated Gwen Stefani in the motion picture The Aviator. Pixar won a closely fought contract battle when the plastic version of Gwen developed by Dupont was found to have “too much” acting talent rendering it unrealistic.

· Dow Chemical garners special note for it’s “Shut-up Jack” spray that renders those annoying loud-talkers unconscious. Made for distribution with all future Spike Lee and Arnold Schwarzeneggar films the canister also leaves a fluorescent dye marker for the usher.

· Panavision wins another award for their new 35 mm special soft focus camera lens which can take twenty years off of octogenarian actresses Cher or Barbra Streisand causing them to actually appear to be in their forties or fifties. This new lens has made possible the saving of up to ten thousand gallons of petroleum jelly and 50,000 square yards of muslin per actress/per film.

· Squiver Corporation for their new “Whoa Boy” filters which, when utilized with any Jim Carrey or Robin Williams performance, keeps them from going over the top. Commissioned after “Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls” the special filter monitors scenes for their spastic comedy quotient, and dampens them by inserting especially mundane scenes from “Koyaanisqatsi”.

· A special award will go to Jerry Bruckheimer for the highly secret mind control ray he must possess. How else can this scam artist’s string of similarly formulated movies that suck in huge box office dollars be explained, other than his pact with the horned-one. On second thought this might cover too many people in Hollywood to justify an award.

The awards this year will be given by Dame Judy Dench and Sir Ian McKellan in return for unlimited award nominations until the year 2020.


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