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Tuesday, January 25, 2005

...Never had an Oscar

As Oscar season rolls around, many turn to the bittersweet (Hollywood translation: "Highly enjoyable") task of reminding us about all those great performers and films that never won an Oscar. Apart from the actual Oscar winners rubbing it in the noses of the perennial losers, including in some cases the dead ones, books have been written about this subject, and Roger Ebert actually has a film festival dedicated to it, the modestly named "Ebertfest".

(I was a bit disappointed finding out it was just another film festival. When I first saw it, I thought he had come up with a one-man Broadway review. I was rather looking forward to seeing his turn as a song-and-dance man, singing and dancing "Singing in the Rain" and "Oklahoma!" You'll have to settle for the films themselves, which upon further reflection, will come as a great relief to all, including Mrs. Ebert, who no doubt would have to sit through all the rehearsals.)

The chief purpose of such schadenfreud (a German word meaning "Rin Tin Tin") is to express just what a bunch of ignorant philistines the members of the "Academy" truly are. Rather than give awards to these great artists of the cinema, rather than recognize challenging new films, the Academy prefers to throw Oscars at over-baked romantic potboilers, highlighted by Celine Dion ballads and a momentarily topless Kate Winslet. If the ship hadn't actually struck the iceberg and sank in the last 15 minutes of the film, I would have sworn I was watching an extended episode of General Hospital on the Bravo Channel, entitled "Luke and Laura on the Really Big Boat".

Needless to say the "Academy" gets things wrong frequently, because it's very difficult to hand out awards for artistic excellence in one hand whilst calculating potential gate receipts with the other. However, I think the Academy should be given it's due. While many great actors and actresses have not been rewarded for their deserving work, the Academy has managed to avoid, with rare exception Mr. Moore, giving out awards to people who not only don't deserve them, but who should probably be stoned within an inch of their lives with the little gold-plated nudists for daring to turn up in the same state as a film set. Here is my rather short list of those who did not get the Oscar. If true to form, each of them will never in human history be even mentioned in the same breath as the name Oscar, outside of reviews of an off-Broadway revival of "the Odd Couple". No, on second thought, even that is too close.

Please understand that some of these people may be very nice human beings, good company, sweet natured, generous, etc. I accept that. Understand that it is only their body of work that I feel belongs in the lowest pit of hell in whatever video store they have. It will probably be right next to the bookstore containing my collected works of fiction and poetry.

In no particular order:
Pauly Shore
Pia Zadora
Willie Ames/Scott Baio
Pauly Shore
Andrew Dice Clay
Paul Verhoven
Joe Eszterhas
Mickey Rourke
Pauly Shore
Pauly Shore
Pauly Shore (sorry, hit the old paste button a few too many times...could it be my subconscious acting up?)
Pauly Shore

I want each of these individuals to know that I really do wish them the best in life: grace, peace, love, and all the blessings of God.

However, they should avoid a film set the way vampires avoid the North Pole in summer. Sometimes, Oscar gets it right you know.


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