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Wednesday, February 02, 2005

The State of the Union - Predictions

All right, it's nearly over by now, but I haven't watched a word yet because I've too busy venting about noisy restaurant-going blowhards with tiny, emasculating cellphones. However, there are 7 completely non-partisan sets of predictions I can safely make without having seen a word:


  1. The President will say that the state of the Union is "strong". He will say this in one form or another at least 72 times. At least one half of the chamber will applaud vigorously after each time, as though they had just heard it for the first time and it sounded like a really great idea. Dick Cheney will nod in a supportive and non-cardiovascularly threatening way from his secret bunker in Juneau.
  2. The Republicans will agree that the state of the Union is strong but point out that it could be much stronger and that the President will be cooperating with Congress to make it so. Somewhere, at least one of them will quietly kiss Harry Reid's shoe. (This person may or may not be Arlen Spector.) At least one of the Republicans will announce he is running for President, but "don't let this get in the way of the President's message". Tom DeLay will hit someone with his shoe. Somewhere, Newt Gingrich will be commenting on a talk show about something vaguely related to the speech by means of a personal anecdote.
  3. The Democrats will say that the state of the Union is "not strong" and that they have been deceived by the President into voting for things they discovered much later that they really didn't want because they make Howard Dean angry. Chris Matthews will point out on his television show that exhaling makes Howard Dean angry. Hillary Clinton will respond to any questions about the 2008 Presidential election with a girlish titter of a laugh. Somewhere, Tom Daschle will be silently weeping and writing his memoirs.
  4. The Libertarians will be standing outside the Capitol, like the unpopular kids at school outside the rich kids' party. They will then get tired and retreat to their homes to continue drafting new political manifestos and programming in COBOL.
  5. Those in the Green Party not sitting in trees somewhere in Oregon, will be making out in the back of an old VW van, repainted to make it look vaguely like "The Mystery Machine". At least 12 of them will actually be wearing orange ascots.
  6. The press will make at least 75 references to the President's charming ability to string more than one sentence together, 45 references to the word "quagmire" (at least 7 of those will be in reference to Vice-President Cheney's wardrobe), 62 references to the President's National Guard service (with the exception of Dan Rather...every time he stops momentarily to loudly grind his teeth is the precise moment that such a reference would have occurred there), 22 uses of the word "smirk", and at least 4 references to Hillary Clinton's girlish laugh. Fox News will run a musical highlights reel of the speech. Aaron Brown of CNN will snort in derisive laughter every time someone uses the words "Bush" and "statesman" in the same sentence.
  7. The average U.S. citizen will sit quietly at home, wondering why "That 70's Show" was preempted.

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Update: Dick Cheney was actually at the speech, nodding in a supportive, non-cardiovascularly threatening way. I'll claim half-credit then. No word on the rumours that Condeleeza Rice watched the entire speech safely ensconced in a satellite in geo-synchronous orbit above Billings, Montana.

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