It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, May 20, 2005

It's a real dessert out there...

Since returning to reality I have been aghast at some of the ways people treat each other in our great, big lovable world. This story shows that racism and/or caste-ism is still alive and well in India. Now, not knowing my Dalits from my Yadavs I can't speak of the caste system but I think I remember a Geraldo Rivera documentary on the stereotyping and racism directed at dessert preparers in our own country.

Geraldo Reports: A Hollow Joy at The Hollow Tree

(Geraldo voice over as we see past Keebler commercials play)
For years they have slaved away creating delicious treats for the masses. Some say it's Elfin Magic, some say it's mystical gobbledygook dressed in chocolate by these tiny impresarios of the snack cracker, the Keebler Elves. Now, a new problem for these diminutive pastry gurus as stores across the country have taken their product off the shelves. We talked to Reed Dikulous, a grocery store owner in Hickory Stick, NC.

Geraldo: Why are people worried about these cookies and crackers?

Reed: Y'all callin' me a cracker?

Geraldo: No, I'm asking why these products have been removed from your shelves.

Reed: Hey, those guys are tiny. Who knows what they're a' doin' in that tree. I don't think there are USDA inspectors small enough to get in there. They could be puttin' some weird stuff in my E.L. Fudges.

Geraldo: We next went to the man himself, Ernie Keebler the chairman, CEO, and High King of the Hollow Tree.

Geraldo: Ernie, can you explain the ban on your goods in some areas.

Ernie: Well Geraldo, it's racism plain and simple. Our products are made under strict sanitary and nutritional guidelines. Now, I will admit in the early seventies we did experiment with some additives that were meant to expand the mind but we gave up on that when Fast Eddie drove his cart off the Grand Canyon.

Geraldo: Tell me about Elfin Magic, what are in those wands you use? Magic dust?

Ernie: Geraldo if I told you that I would have to kill you. Just kidding. Elfin Magic is nothing more than our way of mass production. I mean look at the size of our tree. You try and produce 200 million cookies and crackers in something that size. As far as the dust is concerned it is not dangerous and as long as it is combined with eye of newt and bladder of rat it is not hallucinogenic.

Geraldo: Bladder of rat?

Ernie: Don't worry, it tastes like chicken... as long as it's mixed with goat feces and angleworms. Gotcha again Geraldo, it really does taste like chicken.

Geraldo: What do you want to say to those in our audience who biased against you?

Ernie: Look into your hearts and see that we're just a group of cookie making elves living in a tiny magical tree. Are we so much different from you? Do we not all bleed yellow?

Geraldo: Do you think it will work?

Ernie: If it doesn't we'll just turn you all into snails.

Geraldo: I know, I know. Just kidding again.

Ernie: No, I'm serious about that one.

Geraldo (now nervously eyeing Ernie): Well, thank you. Next week on Geraldo, "Sorry Charlie: Singing a Different Tuna". Good night.

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