It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, July 01, 2005

One Small Step for the, How you going to say, Small Person

Sometimes a person who is the little kind of man is not getting the respect they deserve. Just because a person not so tall does not mean they are not the deserving one of, how you going to say, fanatic obsession. I think our regular readers will know who I am talking about. Yes, that is correct. The greatest actor in the known cosmological underpinning, none other than....(drumroll, sweaty palms, trembly legs, teeth falling out, developing leg sores)...Warwick Davis! Oh, I know, I know, you will say to me, "Hey there, Mr. Juan Carlos Vega, whatever happen to that one guy, the ostrich egg what is called Danny Devito?" Well, I moved on in life. My Danny Devito movie which I made on Super-8 film stock and which I poured many quarters and dimes of my own food stamp money into the budget to make and which starred an up-and-coming young homeless man I found wandering the mall as Danny Devito, and which also was rated PG-13 for harsh language and one scene where a Jeff Goldbloom takes a spoon in the eye during a script rewrite, well, it didn't become the blockbuster I was betting my life savings on. In fact, it didn't even open in one theater anywhere across the plainful grasslands of America. It didn't help that I only had one copy of the movie, I suppose, but when I drove from one theater to the next and from city to city, I could not even, how you going to say, bribe one single pimply nerd child projector booth operator kid dork to sneak my movie into the projector instead of the second reel of, say, Batman Going to Begin or The Worlds That are at the How You Going To Say War. So I give up on this movie and turned the film canister into a nice planter for my begonias that Mrs. Juan Carlos like to sit and stare at all day without ever speaking or moving except to eat her fried eggs and carne de mono and sigh.

Anyway, so I realize my mistake now was that I focus too much on the ostrich egg person. Instead, now, I plan to make the epic three hour smash movie about the war time experiences of Warwick Davis, who single-handedly face down the Kaiser in a hayfield with only a broken rectal thermometer and three small marbles, and the Kaiser kill him with the gun but he become the leprechaun and rise from the grave to torment the Daikini child, Elora Danen. Man, that is exciting true story for childrens of America. I already have my opening lines.

EXT. -- MOON VALLEY -- DAY

Warwick -- (hoisting forth the Union Jack) That's one small step for a small man and one giant leap for a small mankind from the, how you going to say, English Empire.

(the moon people appear and attack)

Warwick -- Die, moon people! Die with superior British, how you say, technology. (Warwick shoot orange beams from mysterious silvery cube and moon people exploding)

Moon People -- (dying) All we wanted was a bite of your kidney pie! Now we'll never know what superior English cuisine is all about! Ack! Our body organs turning to powdered air! Ack!


Man, already the chills going into my spine and down to my nalgas!

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