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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The World in Crisis

The mystery and the nightmare continues, even though some (including persons whose names rhyme with Spando and Prando and Excremando) prefer to look the other way. I have never been one to hide from the world's true problems, never been one to hesitate in staring right into the very rancidest orifice of the universe's stinkiest dilemma. For those of you who so quickly sluiced back into the dampness of everyday life, let me remind you (in all caps, no less): MARK NORTHOVER IS MISSING. And as if that weren't enough to make the giblet gravy gush from your nostrils, he has been MISSING FOR SOME YEARS! My dearest stars and everloving garters, how can people go about their sandwich eating regular schedules knowing that? It boggles the mind of normal humanity.

Some of you, I know, care about the future of the world, about the hope and happiness of the world's innocents. Some of you want to help those who have sunk into the filthiest brown pit of intestinally-scented unfortunateness. Now is your chance! Hear me, NOW is your chance. You can rise up from the butt-worn rut of inactivity and do something of purest and noblest good. Yes, my fellow citizens of the world, you can help me relocate Mark Northover. I know you want to, tenderly in your deepest red heart, you want to find him, and that, above all else, is why I love you, each and every one, and daydream in the night of shaking your hand and tenderly weeping as I whisper your names, one by one. Oh, my dearest compassionate fellow humans, you truly, madly, deeply want to help locate our missing hero, Mark Northover, torfivious entertainer of our generation and, we hope, we dream, we pray, generations to come.

Here is what you can do. It is very simple. Even simpler than tying your shoes, painting a horse, or slapping a mime. You can write an e-mail. Yes, that is all you have to do. Simon Thomson is the man most likely to locate the missing Mark Northover. I truly believe he holds the glistening silvery key to unlock this puzzle and redeem our joy. He is the webmaster of Mark Northover's official website, and, more importantly, the last person on earth to have seen him face to face before our tiny icon disappeared into the British hills, ne'er to be seen again. Please, write to Simon Thomson and beg him, tenderly and desperately beg him to locate the missing Mark Northover.

His e-mail address is eluk1@eluk.co.uk. If you are noble and kind enough to write him, feel free to tell him that Nuffy Noe of the Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas begged you to e-mail him. Feel free to remind him how important Mark Northover is to all of us, how we love his tender smile and precious sport coat and slacks, how we loved his portrayal of the villainous "Burglekutt" in the classic motion picture Willow, and, most of all, how we weep in the dark hours of the lonely night at his vanishing.

Won't you please join me, this very hour, yes even this most ludicrous hour of the night, and write to Simon Thomson and beg him to find our missing hope. Oh I love you even now more than ever at the thought that you will do this. Oh!

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