One Life to Snoop

An ABC* soap opera is getting fly. Snoop Dogg is going to appear on One Life to Live.

Listen, there's not much more even comedy bloggers can add to headlines like these, but let's have a shot at it anyway, shall we?

Quite frankly, I can't wait to hear the Snoop Dogg remix of One Life to Live's theme music, which was originally written in 1682 as elevator music. Snoop's remix will bring out the modern nuances hidden in this ancient, stately theme by adding a backbeat, hand claps, the sounds of screaming soap actresses, and the f-bomb repeated over and over again by programme creator Agnes Nixon.

Snoop will play a loose living, hip-hop celebrity, with a penchant for women, pot, guns and British Airways. This will be a stretch for Snoop, as he prefers Caledonian Airways these days.

Snoop will play two of his songs on the air. ABC will use a 2 second delay to cut out profanity, including the song titles. Also, a seperate alternate feed, containing repeats of the programme from 1975, will be aired to prevent heart failure in the show's older audience members.

On the positive side, a new soundtrack album for One Life to Live will soon be available on Death Row Records (despite the fact that Snoop records for Geffen). The soundtrack will contain 60 minutes of incidental music from the programme and another 10 minutes of a new Snoop song entitled, Livin My One Life on the $%&# Jizzle, Y'all. The album has presold 500,000 copies in New York State alone.

In related news, ITV's Coronation Street plans to continue the trend by inviting Goldie Lookin Chain to play Michelle Conner's boyfriend Jasper on the long running British soap. When told that Goldie Lookin Chain was an actual group, rather than a person, ITV spokesperson I. M. Obtuse replied, "Well then, there'd be more of them then, wouldn't there?"

*The American one, not the Australian one.