It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Monday, July 25, 2011

We'll Get You Out of a Taxing Situation!

SCENE: INT. The office of a financial advisor. The advisor, a husky, bearded man stands in front of an imposing looking bookcase full of books on tax law. Insistent, slightly tense music in the background.

TAX ADVISOR, PATRICK SOCKS: Are you being audited?  Do you have several years of unfiled tax returns? Is the IRS sending you threatening letters or coming to your home or place of business?  ...Face it. You're screwed. You're never gonna get out of that deep, dark hole you've dug for yourself and Uncle Sam is about to start filling it in with cement.

That's why you need us!

Hello, I'm Patrick Socks, founder and owner of Tax Bastards. We help poor, unfortunate idiots like you to escape the crushing psychological weight of tax evasion, and we make it fun! We can provide you with a variety of services:

(Picture of Patrick Socks on the beach in Rio de Janiero, sipping a cocktail)

Escape: We can quickly get you one-way airplane tickets, to the scenic destination of your choice. We'll get you a visa, a place of residence, and a variety of personal identity documents from hard to verify countries around the world. Uncle Sam can't nail you for tax evasion if you're a Belorussian living in Brazil under the name Ivan Upyoursirsovitch.

(Picture of an auction, with Patrick Socks holding an auctioneer's gavel)

Liquidation of personal assets: After you sign up with us, you'll transfer all your worldly possessions to us, which we will convert into liquid funds, via several avenues, such as auctions, estate sales, garage sales, flea markets, and PBS's popular program Antiques Roadshow.

(Picture of Patrick Socks with an antique, and a surprised look on his face, on Antiques Roadshow.)

Plastic Surgery: For those who are too patriotic to leave the good old U.S. of A., we can line you up with a variety of plastic surgeons who can alter your appearance. In fact, we can make you look like the celebrity of your choice. For example, who would suspect George Clooney of being a tax cheat?

(Cut to Patrick Socks, with an insert of George Clooney)

(Winking) Right, George?

(Picture of Patrick Socks in a traditional undertaker's suit and top hat)

Faked Death: Finally, if necessary, we can fake your death via a variety of accidents, disasters, and other unfortunate mishaps that couldn't possibly leave a trace of a body behind. We'll even stage a funeral for the benefit of those parasites at the IRS. If you're up for it, you can even attend and hear all the great things we've written for your eulogy.  We can even stage fatal kidnappings with the body parts of your choice to be sent to authorities.

(Cut to Patrick Socks in office)

(Laughs) No, no, we won't force you to cut anything off. Our in-house scientists have perfected cloning!

So if you're in a tight spot, instead of giving in to the government, give us a call at Tax Bastards! We're a bastard when it comes to your taxes!

NARRATOR: Call Tax Bastards at 1-800-B-A-S-T-A-R-D. Call Now! Our operators are waiting to spirit you away! (Quickly) Void where prohibited by non-tax law.

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