It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Lineup Suggestions for JCVTV

Having a small amount of interest in the television industry (I used to spend at least 17 hours a day watching before I discovered the opposite sex), I was greatly enthused by Juan Carlos's declaration to start a new network. Traditionally NBC has been the home to variety entertainment, CBS to stodgy crime drama, ABC to sitcoms produced by Garry Marshall, Fox to programs primarily comprised of copious gratuitous sexual references, WB to people with short attention spans, and UPN to those who will watch any sort of crap, just to claim they are "different". I'm trying to imagine what JCVTV would be like in the astronomically unlikely event J.C.V. obtains the necessary capital and affiliates to get it off the ground, or for that matter to even purchase coffee mugs with the network logo. I have concluded that JCVTV will, of course, come to be known as the silly network. (Why not go the whole mutton JCV and rename it SillyTV -- While you're at it I hear from the folks at MTV that dog oriented logos are in. Dogs look good on coffee mugs!)

I have a few program ideas that have been floating around in my head for a few years, days, months, and some I'll make up right now, just to fill this bit out:

  • Law and Order: Paris Division - Dedicated gendarme's ply their trade cleaning up crime in the seedier parts of the City of Lights. They turn the various thugs, extortionists, and embezzlers they arrest over to France's finest legal prosecutors, who studiously build airtight cases against these criminal vermin, navigating the various twists and turns of character and event. At the dramatic climax of each program they take their cases to the French courts, where they are promptly overturned because the defendant is a member of the government. I see an easy 40 episodes a year, with plenty of room for renewal. Starring Jacques Chirac as Chief Justice LeFarge.
  • Jacko You Up - A reality series where parents irresponsible enough to allow their kids to sleep over with Michael Jackson are forced at gunpoint (necessary in this case) to live for a year in Neverland. Hosted by Bubbles, the embalmed wonder chimp.
  • Tom DeLay's Hammer Time - The tough Republican congressman verbally bashes, trashes, pimp-walks, and breakdances his political foes to the rhythmic stylings of Top 40 hip-hop hits. Produced by Russell Simmons' Def Jam.
  • The Esoteric and Abstruse Vernacular Rencontre - Average Americans are required to identify, spell, and use difficult and unusual words or recieve a series of painful and amusing consequences, including electric shocks, being immersed in chemical goo, and being forced to live for a year at Neverland (think of the crossover possibilities!). Hosted by William F. Buckley and Maya Angelou. Sponsored by R.I.F.
  • The Trumps - A reality series following Donald Trump and his new bride as they travel the world playing golf, filming MasterCard commercials, firing business school graduates on national television, and trying exotic new hairstyles. Hosted by Ozzy Osbourne.
  • Howard Dean's Cage of Rage - The tough Vermont Governor physically bashes, trashes, clotheslines, and pile-drivers his political foes to the energetic music of Green Day and Hootie and the Blowfish. Produced by the NRA.
  • Who Wants to Be a Billionaire - Regis Philbin returns for an even bigger prize in a new variation of America's favorite game show. The network ensures that no one actually wins the billion dollars by having all of the final questions revolve around great Cricket Test Matches of the 1950's, and FA Cup Winners before 1900.
  • T.J. Is a Hooker - An ageing cop turns gigolo for a series of elderly women, most of them ex-wives of Donald Trump, sharing with them the disappointments of worldly life. William Shatner reprises his legendary turn as the barrel-chested lothario with a tarnished badge. Sponsored by Priceline.com
  • Zimpter Fiforg's Challenge to the Man - Each week Zimpter appears to challenge the human race to do all sorts of amazing things. Sample episodes: Week seven - Zimpter challenges the people of Japan to wear women's underwear on their head and attend motocross rallies en masse. Week twelve - Zimpter challenges the people of South America to speak for a week in a Yiddish accent. Week nineteen - Zimpter challenges the people of Zimbabwe to spray shaving cream into Robert Mugabe's hand while he is asleep.
  • Late Night with Crispin Glover - The wacky and misunderstood character actor hosts a late night variety and talk show. Instead of delivering a monologue, Crispin opens each evening's show by inhaling a different substance, including saffron, leafy cilantro, pine nuts, granulated fiberglass, thumbtacks, and, on special occasions, an entire haggis. Hosted by Crispin Glover, with sidekick Bobcat "Firestarter" Goldthwait and bandleader Dee Snyder.

With a lineup like this UPN is toast.

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