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Friday, May 20, 2005

Saddam v. The Sun

It might go something like this...

The scene is a courtroom in the Old Bailey, barristers in black robes and white wigs and clerks of the court rush around as the judge enters.

Clerk: All rise, the Honorable Mr. Justice Rusty Nails presiding.

Judge: Please be seated. Let us continue with the testimony of Saddam Hussein. Mr. Livingston you may continue your questioning.

Livington: Yes, m'lud. Now Mr. Hussein, please tell the court what happened to you.

Saddam: Well, I was in my cell ironing my clothes and getting ready to write thank you notes to the guards when pictures were taken of me in my skivvies.

Judge: I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with that terminology.

Livingston: M'lud, he is making reference to his pants.

Judge: His pants?

Livingston: Yes m'lud, his underpants.

Judge: Oh, very good. Briefs?

Livingston: Do you need a copy?

Judge: What?

Livingston: Of the briefs, m'lud?

Judge: Certainly NOT! Why would I want this man's pants?

Livingston: Sorry, m'lud, I thought you were refering to the case briefs. Anyway, Mr. Hussein you were minding your own business, preparing to bake cookies, make corsages for the female guards, and I believe you said writing thank you notes when your privacy was invaded by Mr. Donald Rumsfeld who took several unappealing pictures of you which he then sold to The Sun.

Saddam: That is right, only you forgot the chocolate truffles I was making for General Sanchez.

Defense Counsel: Objection m'lud, it is obvious that Mr. Hussein is trying to gain sympathy from the court.

Judge: Overruled, I like a good chocolate truffle myself.

Livingston: Thank you, m'lud. It is our contention that The Sun used the pictures in question for the purposes of libel and indeed criminal libel since no change had been made in Iraq to the law that slander or libel against President Hussein was a crime.

Defense Counsel: Objection m'lud, we ask that the case be thrown out since it is frivolous and based on outdated law from a regime that killed millions of its own people and is now facing criminal proceedings that make these pale in comparison.

Judge: Overruled, please barrister refrain from citing other cases that have not been proven. This is serious business, a man should not have to fear doing his laundry in his whitey tighties and then seeing his kibble and bits splattered across the pages of a tabloid. Court is adjourned for the day, tomorrow the defence can make its case.

[Flash forward wavy lines begin]

Front cover of The Sun, June 25, 2007

Saddam Well Hung
Wins Skivvy Case v. The Sun

(above a picture of Saddam swinging from the gallows)

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