Gha aghoi vbplkaighagha waiwaiwaixko gha woghoi o.

You probably think the title of this post is just garbage and random letters, but you are terribly and sickeningly wrong to think so. Recently, overwhelmed and emotionally ruined by the disappearance of Mark Northover, I have taken to finding new hobbies to cloud my mind and distract me. The first hobby I found was learning another language. Another language learning can be exciting, a thrill bigger than finding Michael Jackson sleeping in your bathtub with your mom's bathrobe draped delicately over his tree branch-like body. Of course, there are many silly languages in the world, and most of them sound ridiculous and make no grammatical sense whatsoever. Examples I found include French, Spanish, Xhosa and Gullah. But there is one particular language I found that has a beautiful simplicity, a wondrous ability to unite all the peoples of the earth under a banner of inter-cultural communication.

Yes, as you may have guessed, it is Clicky McClick's Clickuage. Now, you could go over to the only Clicky McClick website on the whole entire internet and read all about it yourself, or, being Five Times more efficient than a horse with constipation, you can just keep reading this post and I will give you the relevant information. The website, by the way, was created by me. I wrote down all the information I gathered from Clicky's language manuals and programmed the HTML myself on a TRS-80, thank you very much. The address is http://nuffynoe.tripod.com/clickguage/index.html should you be inclined to go there.

Here is what Clicky tells us in his book: People of the world have sought a simplicity in language. People of the world have wished to communicate one to the other without the difficulty of wretched differences in language and grammar....Now we have Clicky McClick's Clickguage, a language of few sounds that is easy to learn, simple to use, beautiful to hear, and better than you.

VOWELS: There are only five vowel sounds in the Clickguage. They are...

A as in father
E as in wet
I as in it
O as in note
U as in under

CONSONANTS: There are only five consonants in the Clickguage, making for a terribly simple and fun language unlike any noises you've ever made. These consonants are interesting and involve unusual sounds not present in the English language, or, for that matter, most of the languages that have ever existed in the history of humanity. They are represented using English characters. Here they are, along with pronunciation guides/helps. Please practice these sounds long and hard, for you must needs learn them...

gh -- a click in the back of the throat, like a swallowing noise
gft -- a popping noise made by pressing the lips together and forcing air through them
xk -- a harsh guttural hiss made by in the back of the throat by restricting the
throat while breathing out sharply
vbplk -- a heartbeat-like sound made by closing the mouth and producing a thumping sound in throat.
w -- pronounced like an English "v"

Subject Pronouns:
first person singular -- gha
second person singular -- gfti
third person singular masculine -- gho
third person singular feminine -- xka
first person plural -- ghagh
second person plural -- gftighi
third person plural masculine -- ghovbplki
third person plural feminine -- xkavbplki

Object Pronouns:

first person singular -- ghai
second person singular -- gftoi
third person singular masculine -- ghoa
third person singular feminine -- xkai
first person plural -- ghagha
second person plural -- gftighoi
third person plural masculine -- ghovbplkai
third person plural feminine -- xkavbplkai

Except for a few irregular verbs, Clickguage verbs are comprised of

VERB ROOT + APPROPRIATE ENDING

here are the verb endings for each pronoun:

1st person singular -- oi

2nd person singular -- ai

3rd person singular -- vbplki

1st person plural -- xko

2nd person plural -- xkai

3rd person plural -- vbplkoi

Most verbs can be conjugated by adding the appropriate ending to the verb infinitive. Sometimes, especially with 1st and 2nd person singular, the final vowel is dropped before adding the ending. With a few irregular verbs, like woghoxki, most of the infinitive form of the verb is dropped in conjugation.
This is a list of verb infinitives which can be conjugated by simply adding the appropriate verb ending.

gftoigftawo -- to sniff

ghuwavbplki -- to alleviate

oiwoi -- to associate with

xkoghow -- to receive

oixkaw -- to know (person)

xkowoigh -- to know (thing)

aiwaiwaiwaiwai -- to suffer

vbplkoighu -- to bring

oiaoiaw -- to put (or move)

gftowoxka -- to infer

aixkogfto -- to hear

wugftogh -- to punch

gftigftogfta -- to give someone a dime

gftigftoghogho -- to give someone a disease

gftiovbplko -- to pass wind in polite company

ewuighaw -- to stumble (to fall)

gftixkiwi -- to poop

aigftoigft -- to believe

xkuxkoigh -- to dream

vbplkuigh -- to hope

uigftughu -- to hate

oiw -- to love

awaighaivbpl -- to laugh

ugft -- to scream (in pain)

ivbplkigfti -- to live

ioiaow -- to die

auaiau -- to go to South Africa

wauwaiaw -- to go

Sample Sentences

Gha aghoi vbplkaighagha waiwaiwaixko gha woghoi o.

(I have toast because I am beautifully smelly)

Gfti woghai xkaxkaxko oxkaigho!

(You are an ugly liar!)


MY STARS, this crap is revolutionary! The WORLD is changing before our very eyes! Soon, we will all be as one! Do your soul a favor, LEARN CLICKUAGE!