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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

That UFO Was a Weather Balloon!

According to the Associated Press, a Las Vegas real estate mogul has launched an inflatable spacecraft from Russia, which has taken photos of itself and beamed them back to Earth.

I don't know about the rest of you, but it seems like Pravda is up to their old ways again, planting stories in the minds of impressionable young AP reporters (or NY times reporters who are too lazy to fact-check their stories) about amazing Russian space exploits, when the actual truth is that the Russians have only managed to put a single chimpanzee in space, and that was accidentally, when a stunt explosion on a Russian version of Tarzan went horribly awry.

The real story, as Zimpter will tell you if you should by chance mistakenly veer off onto the subject, is that this "balloon" hoax is a complete cover-up by the combined military and political infrastructures of the United States and Russian governments who are being controlled by alien influences (How else could someone with the name "Dirk Kempthorne" get into government - the man is clearly a space alien!)

Inflatable spacecraft, my sphincter!!! This was clearly yet another attempt to cover up the coming invasion of Earth by extraterrestials from the planet Geldafar (pronounced "Lindseylohan").

These insidious and scantily clad beings want the Earth for only one reason and one reason alone. Beachfront property. Geldafar has only one tiny ocean which is completely surrounded by condominiums, hotels, Gyro shops, and cheap Monaco-owned casinos. They have completely run out of space for surfers, beach hippies, and dopers, which includes much of the previous two categories. In fact, the reason that so many UFO's look cigar shaped is because they are runaway surfboards from over eager Hang Twelve types (Geldafarians have six toes on each foot) who forgot to wait until the invasion force secured the surf for them.

The "inflatable spacecraft" was actually the mothership (don't get excited Reverend Farrakan - it's not THAT mothership) of the vanguard Geldafarian (pronounced "Camerondiazian") invasion force. This spacecraft has been implanting signals of despair in our minds of the last decade or so: Desperate Housewives, Cialis commercials with that idiot "Bob", N.Y. Knicks games, Dennis Kucinich campaign commercials, and anything with Paris Hilton.

The idea is to depress the human race so much, that we will retreat to our farmlands, our cities, our suburbs, our deserts, and other non-beachfront residences, leaving them open for phalanxes of large, purple-green, Speedo-wearing aliens to inhabit with their foul body-surfing and sordid wet t-shirt parties (Geldefarians have twelve nipples).

Even now they are subtly buying up stock in sunscreen (SPF 260 - as the Geldafarians are quite pasty) and really tacky beach chairs. Soon, they will be packing the shores of Malibu, Wakiki, Brighton, Cannes, and Abyan Beach, Yemen.

Enjoy the rest of the summer while you can. Next summer it will be "No humans allowed" or "Beachfront closed for alien invasion!" or even worse "Nude Alien beach - eat swimsuits here."


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