A Less Than Rosie View

Well, after mere months of relentlessly annoying Donald Trump and establishing bold new zeniths of crackpottery, Rosie O'Donnell has decided to leave The View. People, and by people I actually mean reporters, say it's because she couldn't get a good enough financial deal from ABC, but my sources say different. According to them, here are the top reasons Rosie bid adieu to The View.

• Decided co-hosts weren't as attractive to look at since Meredith Viera departed for The Today Show
  
• Got really sick of Barbara Walters asking her what kind of tree she would be
  
• Would rather the spend time trying to track down Vice President Cheney's undisclosed location
  
• Repeated leg cramps during grueling 15-minute segments in chair
  
• Planned WWF Cage Smackdown with Bill O'Reilly
  
• Decided to learn real mock Chinese from Sid Ceasar to prevent future embarassment
  
• Always wanted to cut a country and western album*
  
• Signed a deal to make A League of Their Own II: The Hot Flash Years
  
• Madonna promised to finally adopt her
  
• Felt The View was getting too serious and intellectual
  
• Tom Cruise hooked her on Scientology and convinced her that The View was too much like psychotherapy
  
• Time was right for a Dancing with the Stars run
  
• The show got in the way of her plans for global jihad against Trump

* Yes, the thought had crossed my mind that Rosie would be about as welcome at the Grand Ole Opry as Ho Chi Minh. Still, what gumption, eh.