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Friday, March 26, 2010

A Big Deal! A Big #$%^&* Deal!

Congress has passed the President's health care reform bill, and as the title of this piece acknowledges, the Vice President is really excited about it.

We at The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas prefer not to comment on the politics of the process or the legislation. Instead, here's a a quick guide on some of the more unusual aspects of the legislation (yet to be confirmed by the Congressional Budget Office):

  • If you have a prexisting condition involving hypochondria, you are now covered by an imaginary clause in the bill.
  • People seeking coverage for sexually-transmitted diseases can recieve coverage upon submitting to Congress a detailed written description of how they acquired the disease.  The written description should be in the form of a dramatic narrative. Those submitting actual video may qualify for additional coverage and may receive personal calls from Congress.
  • People seeking coverage for their membership in the Hair Club for Men are denied coverage on the presumption that they already have, ahem ...coverage.
  • Botox is totally covered by the new legislation, under the provision that Americans will receive the same coverage as members of Congress. Also expected to be included in this provision: tummy tucks, facelifts, and medications for personality disorders.
  • Pets are not covered by the legislation, unless they resemble famous people.
  • Unfortunate tans are not covered under the legislation, as detailed by the "Can't legislate against stupidity" section.
  • Excessive, random talking is now covered by health care insurance, under the "Joseph Biden - Say Anything" provision.

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