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Sunday, November 06, 2005

I Cnath Sptheakth Rigth Nothw

Sorry for the minimal posting this weekend but I've been a bit under the weather. Also, I took time out to attend my alma-mater's Homecoming yesterday. (Yes, I attended an American University...so sue me.) I could tell you where that is, but then I'd have to shoot you. As my aim's not so great, that could take awhile and be quite painful.

Back to the illness. I currently have been suffering from a sore throat and earache. My second trip to the physician today left me on the same bleeding antibiotics that I've started with earlier in the week, and that have done little to no good. I also learnt something quite troubling in that, I have a large canker sore on one of my tonsils.

Feel free to vomit at this point. I wanted to myself, but all that stomach acid would have just upset the sore...and NO, it is definitely not Herpes, you cynics.

Apparently this sort of thing is viral as all extremely uncomfortable illness tends to be. As in, "Well, I'd love to treat this but it's viral, so we'll just have to let it run it's course. Try not to eat too much, and if you absolutely have to eat in the next few days, try to avoid that part of your mouth." All right, that's not a direct quote, but it's in keeping with the spirit of the thing.

I was offered one treatment. It's a cocktail consisting of Maalox, Benedryl, and viscous Lidocaine...but it tastes much the way I would expect hair conditioner to taste. Since, I've never tasted hair conditioner and have no plans to in the near future, this is only an educated guess. (Actually, I've never used hair conditioner - which explains why my hair resembles Albert Einstein's when I let it grow out.)

The only definite reaction this stuff causes that I am totally sure of, is that it makes your entire mouth go numb as a wooden leg in a Norwegian January.

Some of you may be familiar with the bit in Bill Cosby: Himself where he describes a trip to the dentist and being injected with novocaine. The sensation is similar. Your tongue feels as though it's swollen to three times its size, only without any dexterity whatsoever. The simple process of swallowing your own saliva becomes monumentally difficult. I finally have been able to manage it via a complex process that involves moving my tongue in 4 different directions, jerking my head back suddenly, and leaping sideways, all at the same time. I still have not managed to figure out how to drink a bottle of water though, as my numbed lips cannot tell what is water and what is the plastic bottle. The front of my shirt looks like a used baby bib.

Hopefully this condition will clear up soon and I can return to my usual diet of corn chips, blazing hot Mexican salsa, and the odd curry. In the meantime, if you should pass someone in the street who is speaking in a slurred voice, whilst leaping through the air and jerking their head back, please be kind, as it's probably me.

If it's not me, it's probably Ted Kennedy. It's really a judgement call on your part, but, if it helps, I'm much younger looking than he is.

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