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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

The Cruise Diet

Speaking of Tom Cruise, someone round up the straightjacket and prepare the Haldol syringe. Mr. Cruise has finally gone over the merry edge of "Eccentricville" and into the land of "Quite Disturbing." I warn you, this is not for the squeamish. He has apparently announced that upon the birth of his child, he will be eating the placenta.

Cleaned up from the vomiting now, have you? Good. By the way, Cruise reportedly claims this practise will help him bond with his child. What's wrong with a few good bottle feedings or a song, man?!?

Apparently this kind of thing is also somewhat common among some hardcore vegetarians, who consider placenta the only meat given that doesn't involve suffering, except of course from those poor, deranged, protein-starved wretches who decide to eat it. I should also point out that any individuals who could argue that the arrival of a placenta involves no suffering are probably men, or women who have never given birth, and these idiots might easily be beaten to death with a bedpan were they to suggest such a thing during the... erm...harvesting.

Also, isn't this actually a kind of cannibalism? I mean, we are talking about people eating meat produced from the body of other people? It's not a big leap to go from there to flesh-eating in general. First, it'll be someone's placenta, then next, an arm, a thigh, or the better part of an elbow. So, be careful! The next time your at the organic market, the person sizing you up might merely be trying to figure out whether you're in season or not.

UPDATE: Little Suri Cruise has entered the bizarro realm that passes for her part of the world. Yes, Suri. She was apparently named after Surinam. I'll let Stew have any additional extended comments on the name, if he so chooses. All reports indicate that the birth was silent as Cruise predicted, except for Holmes screaming, "I'll get you for this Tom, you ******* bastard!" after every contraction. Other than that, and the odd celebrity Scientology quote (and by odd, I don't mean there were just a few), there's little news.

All I'll leave you with then is the unsettling notion that right now, as I write this, somewhere in California, Tom Cruise may be standing over a Hibachi preparing to bond with his new child.


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